This piece of news may not come as a surprise to anyone... but here it is anyway: Britney Spears' feet stink. According to World Entertainment News (Hollywood's leading authority on the odors being emitted from celebrities' feet), music's most popular hillbilly was on a flight from LA to NYC when she unwisely decided to remove her footwear to "make herself more comfortable." Within seconds the cabin was filled with the unbearable stink of feet--which we all know is reminiscent of stale Fritos. "The smell was unbelievable," gagged one passenger. "One woman had a word with the air hostess, then three or four others complained." They don't have a special school for what the attendant was forced to do next: tap Britney on the shoulder and ask her politely to put her shoes back on. "Britney went red, laughed, and said her shoes made her feet stink," the passenger continued. "Thankfully she put them on. There's no way we could have put up with that." Upon arrival, Spears was taken into custody by Homeland Security and is currently sharing a cell with Cat Stevens in Guantanamo Bay. Meanwhile... Hear that loud creaking noise? That's the sound of public opinion slowly turning AWAY from former "it" girl, Lindsay Lohan. Not only is her new CD receiving less favorable reviews than the smell of Britney's feet, even Hollywood's baddest party girl Tara Reid is disassociating herself from Ms. Lo-Lo. "Don't put me with her... I don't want to be dragged into her shit," said Lohan's former party pal in Stuff magazine. "Lindsay is way more wild than I was when I was her age." Just to provide perspective, having Tara Reid say you're partying too much is like Anna Nicole Smith telling you your thighs are fat.
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 7
Think American Christians are the biggest cry-baby hypocrites on the planet? Don't forget these humorless Jesus freaks are everywhere--even jolly old England! Today in London, Christian leaders were howling over an exhibit at Madame Tussauds museum, which is internationally known for its striking lifelike wax replicas of celebrities. It seems the museum included some celebs in a waxy nativity scene, in which Hugh Grant and Samuel L. Jackson played shepherds, George Bush and Tony Blair were two of the wise men, cutie-patootie disco queen Kylie Minogue was an angel, and Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham and hubby David "Bend it Like" Beckham were virginal parents Mary and Joseph. And in the words of Queen Victoria, the local clergy were "not amused!" Said the Rev. Jonathan Jenkins, "There is a well-understood tradition that each generation interprets and reinterprets the nativity... but, oh dear!" Meanwhile, the Vatican also expressed its collective displeasure, issuing the holy decree that it was "unacceptable" to have celebrities representing Jesus, Joseph, or Mary. And while Madame Tussauds used a plain 'ol non-celebrity baby doll to represent the Christ, suggestions are already pouring in over which waxy figure should capture the spirit of the lil' Baby Jesus. Our ideas? Julia Roberts' new baby twins, Mini-Me, or the kid from Webster! (C'mon! His name is Emmanuel Lewis! What could be more perfect?)
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 8
In a hilarious turn of events, today a soldier stationed in Kuwait made Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld look like a complete asshole. Rummy had dropped into Camp Buehring in Kuwait to give our boys a pep talk, but when he opened the floor to questions from the soldiers, Spc. Thomas Wilson let him have it with both barrels. "Why do we soldiers have to dig through local landfills for pieces of scrap metal and compromised ballistic glass to up-armor our vehicles?" Wilson asked to the thunderous screams and applause of 2,300 soldiers. Taken totally aback, the Defense Secretary hesitated and asked Wilson to repeat his question. After a stammering half-response, Rumsfeld replied, "You can have all the armor in the world on a tank and a tank can still be blown up." Gee. Thanks for the pep talk, Donny. Come back again, real soon. (Not-So-Fun Fact: As of today, 1,001 American soldiers stationed in Iraq have died in combat.)
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 9
Celine Dion, Alanis Morissette, Bryan Adams, gay marriage... well, one out of four ain't bad. Today, Canadians proved to the world they could do something right when their Supreme Court ruled that gay marriage was constitutional. And though the matter now gets passed on to the House of Commons, it's widely thought the Court's decision opens the door to legalizing same-sex unions nationwide. "Canada is setting a standard for inclusion and fairness," said Evan Wolfson, of the gay rights coalition, Freedom to Marry. "They're offering the real proof that ending discrimination helps families and hurts no one." However, bigots are fairly common even in the mentally developed land of the Canuck. Says Gordon Young, a pastor in Newfoundland, "It's a sad day for our country. We believe that changing the definition of marriage is changing the divine institution that God put in place... God is in the DNA of this nation." Gross! We really wish he hadn't said that. We're going to wash our bed sheets right now.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 10
In yet another indication that today's teenagers are a lost cause, the Associated Press reported today that a 15-year-old girl who found a brick of marijuana on a Florida beach did the unthinkable (steady yourselves, potheads): she turned it in to the police. The Pennsylvania teen (referred to, by her parents, as "Bree"), found the 20-pound brick of weed while cleaning up a beach during her Sunshine State vacation. Claiming to not recognize what she had found, she took it back to her grandparents' beach house and then down to the police station. The teen's ignorance of basic drug salvage law has deeply disturbed the nation's stoners, who clamored this week for more marijuana education in high school.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 11
In yet more evidence that Michael Jackson may possibly sort of could have been involved in activities related to child molestation, it was widely reported today that fingerprints belonging to both the King of Pop and his boy-accuser were found on porn rags seized from Jackson's Neverland ranch last year. Prosecutors are expected to argue that the fingerprints are proof that Jackson showed the boy porn before molesting him. Newspaper reports did not describe the magazines' specific perv angle, except to say the magazines definitely contained pornography of some kind. Even more distressing were reports that Jackson's and the boy's fingerprints were also found on a tattered copy of US News & World Report. Porn is one thing, but exposing a child to current events? That's just sick!
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 12
In a modern O'Henry tale, the AP reported today that a 19-year-old former high school football star who suffered a mangled left hand and leg injuries in Fallujah, chose his wedding ring over his finger. Apparently doctors were preparing to cut off the soldier's ring to save as much of his finger as they could, when the 19-year-old insisted that the doctors severe his finger rather than destroy the ring. (Naturally, a ring without a ring finger is less useful--but it's the thought that counts.) The doctors lopped off his finger (was there no one reasonable in the room?), but somehow in all the confusion, they lost his ring. (Sorry, stupid people don't get sympathy.)