Turning personal tragedy into lighthearted and entertaining fare, it's One Day at a Time--where you always have a friend in the gossip business. Today water cooler tongues were wagging in regards to this weekend's revelation that the marriage of Tinseltown royalty Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston is now officially in the shit-pile. Personally, we are not in the least bit surprised. Frankly speaking, we blame Brad for what our mother used to call "marrying below his station." Aren't we right? A god who walks amongst men, settling down with a minor celebrity whose greatest accomplishment was a "must see" sitcom and a darling haircut? Well, what's done is done, and now it's our job to sniff out the most scintillating rumors as to why Brad and Jen's marriage took the first exit to Splitsville. RUMOR #1: Jen refused to get knocked up. According to reports, Brad has been hankering for a house-load of tots, while Jen is said to be concentrating on her virtually nonexistent movie career. But listen to the far more exciting RUMOR #2: Jen overhears Brad and Angelina Jolie engaging in "phone sex!" According to Britain's News of the World, Jen was suspicious of the pair's close knit relationship during their stint on the upcoming film Mr. & Mrs. Smith, and decided to listen in on one of their many phone calls. Says a sneaky source, "I don't know if Jen accidentally picked up the phone or deliberately did that. Either way she went ballistic." And finally, the even more logical RUMOR #3: Brad married well below his station! C'mon! You know as well as we do, Mama is always right!
TUESDAY, JANUARY 11
In an effort to reach an even younger demographic, welcome to our newest installment of "Those Darn Kids!" A federal judge has ordered an Atlanta school system to remove stickers from high school biology textbooks that claim evolution is "a theory, not a fact." The stickers placed inside the book covers by Cobb County public school officials read, "This textbook contains material on evolution. Evolution is a theory, not a fact, regarding the origin of living things. This material should be approached with an open mind, studied carefully and critically considered." Naturally, federal judge Clarence Cooper called bullshit on that, pointing out this was clearly an unconstitutional endorsement of religion. "This is a great day for Cobb County students," said the attorney who sued over the stickers. "They're going to be permitted to learn science unadulterated by religious dogma." The students celebrated this constitutional victory by smoking cigarettes behind the bleachers, and groping by the lockers. Meanwhile… In California, Principal Jim Bennett of Lemoore Union High School has banned all future dances because of students who insist on "freaking" each other on the dance floor. "Freak dancing"--a form of dance in which teenagers grind and rub their pelvises together (popularized by Patrick Swayze)--was banned at a winter formal last month, but when the students continued to freak, the principal canceled all dances, including the upcoming proms. "Some students save up all year to rent a tuxedo for the prom," whined the student body president, "and now we won't even be able to return it covered with DNA. It's not FAIR!!"
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 12
The White House announced today they are officially ending the search for Iraqi weapons of mass destruction. Naturally, these weapons were never there in the first place, but that didn't stop President Bush from using them as an excuse to invade the country, spend billions of taxpayer dollars, and kill a lot of Iraqis and Americans in the process. But so what if there was no real reason to invade! It was still an awesome idea! "Based on what we know today," said Press Secretary and White House toady Scott McClellan, "the president would have taken the same action because this is about protecting the American people." When asked why the President needed to protect Americans from WMD's that didn't exist, McClellan paused and replied, "You know… when you ask questions like that, it really makes my head hurt."
THURSDAY, JANUARY 13
Today, our favorite insane fashion critic, Mr. Blackwell, released his 45th annual list of worst dressed celebrities--and once again, yours truly dodged the bullet. Unfortunately, there were 10 who didn't, and here they are in descending order: Desperate Housewives' Nicolette Sheridan, Lindsay Lohan (!!), Jessica AND Ashlee Simpson (!!), Courtney Love, Paris Hilton, Serena Williams, Britney Spears, Paula Abdul, Meryl Streep, and Anna Nicole Smith. True enough, all these scarecrow celebs deserve to be on this list--but ranking Lindsay Lohan above Britney Spears is like turning your nose up at a 14-year-old whore for a hog dressed in taffeta. (Britney is the "hog" in this analogy, FYI). Meanwhile… Poor Jennifer Aniston! Since the announcement of her Brad Pitt split, this former "celebrity only by association" has packed her bags, moved out of their mansion and in with her hairdresser, Chris McMillan! Yes, that's the same stylist to the stars who first gave her "The Rachel"--that oft-imitated hairstyle she sported on Friends, which can still unfortunately be seen in many of America's Wal-Marts. Could anything possibly be sadder than a wronged woman who married far beyond her station, rushing off in tears to the limp-wristed arms of a hairdresser? Tsk. Tsk. If only she had taken our advice and gotten that nose job.
FRIDAY, JANUARY 14
The world's media continued to wrestle today with the explosive revelation that England's Prince Harry is a Nazi. And worse, A SMOKER. The ruckus began last week when photographs of Heir Harry wearing a Nazi swastika at a costume party appeared in The Sun. In the photographs Harry is also drinking and fondling a fag with one hand ("fag" being Brit slang for a cigarette--don't get excited). The British, who fought the Nazis during WWII, were hurt that the prince chose the crown's former enemy to emulate, rather than a local hero, like Churchill, a bobby, or Posh Spice. Some are clamoring for the young prince to be sent to Auschwitz, so that he might be sensitized to the atrocities committed by his Nazi heroes. Harry, who claims he is not, repeat not, an actual Nazi, continues to insist that the costume was all he could come up with after his brother called dibs on Osama bin Laden.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 15
In an impressive show of faith for the child welfare system, Courtney Love's attorney announced today that she has regained full custody of her 11-year-old daughter Frances Bean Cobain. Well, we, for one, feel gratified that the court has recognized that an opiate addict known for her bizarre aggressive outbursts can still be a good mother, thank you very much. Yes, Courtney overdosed on painkillers in front of Francis Bean. But can't we just chalk this up to a learning experience (serious quality mother and daughter time) and a life-long cautionary tale for the girl (NEVER take more oxy than you can fit in a Pez dispenser)? Courtney clearly adores the girl, and while she may have behaved erratically in the past (say, breaking into the home of ex-boyfriend, music producer Jim Barber, or driving Kurt Cobain to suicide), she is ready to put her sordid past behind her. "Life is about choices, and I've chosen to move forward with my life in a healthy and positive way," Courtney said in a statement. That is SO inspiring. You know, this time, we really think she means it.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 16
You know what they say about the Chinese and fried chicken. They, uh, love it. According to the Associated Press, KFC is on a bird carnage spree in the People's Republic, with 1,200 KFC locations to date and profits that are outpacing fellow fast food colonizer McDonalds. Is it the culturally sensitive menu that features bamboo shoots and lotus roots? Maybe. Or it could be that the Chinese have mistaken Colonel Sanders for his doppelganger Ho Chi Min, and believe KFC to be a hotbed of culinary commies. If that's true, then our line of Ethel Rosenberg pies should sell like gangbusters.