Even in a country as divided as our own, we can all agree on at least two separate issues: that the French fries at Chili's are "delicious," and "real" news (things that actually happened) is usually better than "not" news (something that could've, but ultimately didn't happen). However, there are times when "not" news is as delicious as a plate of fries from Chili's--and such is the case today. "NOT" NEWSFLASH! Decrepit, mumbling Satan rocker Ozzy Osbourne is NOT dead! Rumors flooded the internet this week claiming the former Black Sabbath front man and star of MTV's The Osbournes kicked the bucket. Yet despite a significant lack of brain activity, his publicist insists Ozzy is alive and… well, if not kicking, shuffling around the kitchen and mumbling "fuck, fuck, fuck" because he can't find a can opener. "NOT" NEWSFLASH! Ocean's 12 star George Clooney is furious because his pet pig is NOT dead! Actually, he's happy his pot-bellied pal is NOT dead, but furious at the British press for saying the pig IS dead. After The Sunday People ran a story reporting the porker's demise, Clooney's representatives were quick to discount the rumor. According to a source close to both actor and pig, the 16-year-old oinker is partially blind and struggling with its weight, but is definitely not dead. Okay, fine. The pig's not dead. But is anyone going to ask the obvious question--like what's George Clooney doing with a 16-year-old pig? Is this bachelor waiting for it to reach legal age?
TUESDAY, JANUARY 18
Bush Administration hot mama Condoleezza Rice found out today what it's like to be in the final boardroom on The Apprentice, as she fielded questions from a Senate confirmation committee in her bid to become the new Secretary of State. As we know, Colin Powell was the former Secretary, before he eventually grew tired of swallowing his own vomit on a daily basis. Fortunately, Rice has no problem swallowing vomit and spent the day defending herself against an onslaught of softball questions from mewling Republicans and castrated Democrats. In fact, the only tough statement of the day came from Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-Calif.), who questioned the former National Security Adviser's truthfulness in regards to her involvement with the invasion of Iraq. "Your loyalty to your mission you were given overwhelmed your respect for the truth," Boxer snipped, "and I don't say it lightly." (Translation: "Condy, you is one lying bitch.") Rice snapped back, "I have never, ever lost respect for the truth in service of anything… and I would hope that we can have this conversation without impugning my credibility or my integrity." (Translation: "Don't call me a lying bitch, bitch! I'll kick your tits off!) See? This is why translators come in so handy.
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 19
One of our favorite topics, the pro-homosexual agenda, is once again in the news today. James C. Dobson, the clearly insane Christian radio host and founder of Focus on the Family, stated today that fictional stars of children's TV--like Barney, Big Bird, Clifford the Big Red Dog, and SpongeBob SquarePants--are promoting a "pro-homosexual" agenda. Speaking before members of Congress at the "Values Victory Dinner" in Washington, D.C., Dobson decried a video intended to promote diversity to school children, in which the aforementioned cartoon characters come together to sing a remake of the 1979 Sister Sledge disco hit, "We Are Family." (Waitasecond… that does sound really gay.) Meanwhile! Leave it to the Defense Department to do their bit to promote the "pro-homosexual" agenda. According to documents just released under the Freedom of Information Act, in 1994 the U.S. military briefly considered a plan to develop an "aphrodisiac" that would inspire homosexual activity within enemy troops. The idea, intended to adversely affect "discipline and morale in enemy units," was part of a $7.5 million study into non-lethal chemical weapon research. (Other plans included chemicals that would attract biting animals, and "severe and lasting halitosis" to help identify combatants trying to blend in with civilians.) As for chemically induced "homosexuality" adversely affecting morale--what were these guys thinking? Nothing cheers up enemy troops like a rousing chorus of "It's Raining Men."
THURSDAY, JANUARY 20
Today was Inauguration Day, which meant President Bush was sworn in for a second term, while others made gagging noises and proceeded to drink themselves into an unfeeling oblivion. The $40 million all-day festivity reached its repulsive nadir when Bush made his inaugural speech--which sounded like a cross between the Gettysburg Address and a monkey shitting into its palm and flinging it across a room. Without making mention of the extreme fuck-ups of the past or controversial decisions regarding taxes, immigration laws, and Social Security, the president promised to take a hard stand against "oppression," saying, "All who live in tyranny and hopelessness can know: The United States will not ignore oppression or excuse your oppressors." However, after promising not to shrink from "the great objective of ending tyranny," Bush quickly remembered he's the worst tyrant of them all, and therefore couldn't fulfill his promise without resigning from his job. Bush quickly declared John Kerry the next President of the United States, and retired to Mexico. Whew! That was close!
FRIDAY, JANUARY 21
The Associated Press reported today that a Brazilian woman has given birth to a 16.7-pound bouncing baby boy. The woman, Francisca Ramos dos Santos, 38, has four other children, all of whom were born weighing between 7.7 pounds and 11 pounds. Santos named the boy, born by Caesarean section, "Ademilton," which is Brazilian for "Holy fucking shit."
SATURDAY, JANUARY 22
Those Bostonians who have been hiding under your futons since reports earlier in the week of an "unspecified, unconfirmed threat against the city of Boston," can rest easier today. One of the alleged Chinese super agents who was supposedly plotting this "unspecified, unconfirmed threat" has turned up in the San Diego area. There are, unsurprisingly, a few tiny discrepancies between the government's anonymous, uncorroborated tip and reality. First, the suspect, Mei Xia Dong is a female, not a male, as identified by the tipster. Second, she has been in the San Diego area, but in an immigration detention facility for two months--which would make it difficult to stuff dirty bombs in her knickers and infiltrate Boston Commons. So what was she doing in San Diego? Government officials now think she came to the United States for economic reasons, or maybe to see the pandas at the San Diego Zoo. To be on the safe side, the pandas have been placed in maximum-security lockdown.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 23
Iran, recently targeted by Vice President Cheney as "right at the top of the list" of countries that need to be taken down a peg by the Good Old US of A, is not exactly cowering. Iran's Intelligence Minister Ali Yunesi dismissed Cheney's posturing, saying "The Americans are stupid, but not so much to make the same mistake which they made in Tabas." OUCH. Unfortunately, Mr. Yunesi did not take into account the fact that Americans have forgotten Tabas altogether and certainly don't remember making a mistake there. (Tabas was the site of the spectacularly failed US hostage rescue attempt by the US military in 1980. It had something to do with Jimmy Carter. Don't ask. It's not important.)