Calling all guys! If you're the type who won't die happy until you've dated a gorgeous celebrity, you're in luck. FOUR of Hollyweird's hottest hotties are currently on the unattached list, and are waiting for your call! Naturally, there's Jennifer Aniston--who as we found out this week is definitely NOT a lesbian… although if she's concerned about setting off people's gaydar, she should stay away from those "goddess circles" she's been attending. Next up to bat is creaky former Dawson's Creeker Katie Holmes, who just today became DIS-engaged from American Pie hunk Chris Klein. Officially divorced today, Rebecca Romijn dumped Full House has-been John Stamos for a stallion from greener pastures. Could that stallion be YOU? Finally, in a truly shocking twist, B-movie actress Denise Richards (Wild Things, Starship Troopers) has filed for an express ticket to Splitsville from former A-list brat-packer Charlie Sheen (known for a crappy sitcom, brother to Emilio Estevez, and giving thousands of dollars to high-priced madam Heidi Fleiss). So fellas, if you ask us? If a Hollywood romance is in the cards, Denise Richards is your gal. After all, while we certainly wouldn't allow you to date our sister, anything after Charlie Sheen is what's known as an "upgrade."
TUESDAY, MARCH 1
But not all is lost in the land of love! According to the grapevine, two well-known Middle Eastern celebs are currently hot to trot: al Qaida leader Osama bin Laden and Islamic insurgent Abu Masab al-Zarqawi! And while these two closeted lovebirds might not have been caught canoodling in LA's trendy Viper Room, snoopy inside sources from the Department of Homeland Security say this terroristic twosome have been "extremely close" and have "big plans" for the future! Said the tongue wagging anonymous official, "There has been communication between bin Laden and Zarqawi, with bin Laden suggesting to Zarqawi the U.S. homeland as a target." A target for what? We're thinking a target for a honeymoon. Zarqawi, a Jordanian militant who's currently helping lead the deadly campaign against U.S. forces in Iraq, and is on the America's Most Wanted list, has dark curly hair, piercing blue eyes, enjoys romantic movies and curling up on the sofa with his cat, "Mr. Scratcherson." In other words, just bin Laden's type. Department spokesman Brian Roehrkasse considers this relationship "a threat" (he probably has eyes for Zarqawi as well), but did not consider the pairing threatening enough to raise the U.S. terrorism alert to "orange." (As we all know, "orange" stands for "Let go of my man, or I'll claw your eyes out, bitch.")
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 2
In local news of love, the affair is definitely OVER between the Portland Trail Blazers and coach Maurice "Mo" Cheeks who was unceremoniously fired this morning when Blazer management decided they wanted to start seeing other people. "Our players liked Mo a great deal," said Blazers general manager John Nash. "But a fresh voice might ignite them to go in a different direction." (In other words, Mo forgot to put the cap on the toothpaste and never lowered the toilet seat.) The former coach's case was not helped by the Blazers' inability to win seven of their last nine games, and Mo's trouble with keeping certain Blazer players under control. These troubles include screaming fights with Bonzi Wells and Darius Miles, Qyntel Woods being investigated in a dog fighting scandal, Rasheed Wallace threatening a referee, and several of the players being cited for possession of marijuana. This should serve as a lesson to all the kids yearning to play pro ball: losing games, violent language, dope smoking, and dog fighting are all okay--because there will always be a coach on hand to pay the price.
THURSDAY, MARCH 3
And now… here it is… the One Day at a Time "TRUE HEADLINE OF THE WEEK!" The following story header came from Scotland's Evening News: "Escaped Chimpanzees Chew Off Man's Face." Now, as soon as you stop laughing, we'll give you the details of this TRAGIC story. Thank you. It seems several chimpanzees at the California Animal Haven Ranch inexplicably escaped from their cages and attacked a couple visiting the sanctuary. While both suffered serious injuries, Dr. Maureen Martin of the Kern Medical Center said the chimps, "chewed most of the man's face off," and the man would require extensive facial surgery to reattach his nose. (Stop…--Laughing.) While it's currently unclear as to why the chimps attacked the couple, Martine Colette, animal director of the Los Angeles-based Wildlife WayStation, said chimpanzees can turn nasty if not treated properly--or if they watch too many episodes of Extreme Makeover. (Now you can laugh.)
FRIDAY, MARCH 4
Martha Stewart was released from jail today, and as it turns out? Country club prisons for wealthy white-collar crime offenders are basically pretty enjoyable. She especially appreciated the freedom from domestic chores. Prison may have its downside, but there is no porte-cochere to paint every spring. (And don't you just hate porte-cochere maintenance?) Asked if she was looking forward to returning to her yard work, her answer was definitive. "Fuck that shit," she said, and immediately hired a family of Mexicans to tend to her tomatoes. Of course, she will still dust her own driveway.
SATURDAY, MARCH 5
Today the Associated Press reported that a Navy submarine may be responsible for driving dozens of dolphins to beach themselves in the Florida Keys. The day before the adorable marine mammals swam ashore, the USS Philadelphia was conducting exercises nearby that may have included sonar. Some science types believe that loud bursts of sonar scares the pants off dolphins (so to speak), causing them to surface too quickly, resulting in nitrogen bubbles in the tissue. Curiously, this phenomenon is not limited to marine mammals. In 2004, shortly after the presidential election, dozens of scared, disoriented Democrats beached themselves at the Washington Mall. Scores of volunteers worked around the clock to keep the Democrats hydrated until they could recover enough to be rolled into the backs of Subaru wagons and driven to Martha's Vineyard for rehabilitation. Nearly one quarter did not survive the ordeal.
SUNDAY, MARCH 6
Dennis L. Rader was accused this week of being the B.T.K. serial killer. The B.T.K. (Bind, Torture, Kill) killer murdered at least 10 people in Kansas, but of course everyone is just shocked beyond imagination that Dennis Rader, a Christian and Boy Scout leader, might be capable of such nefarious goings-on. Hello? B is for BIND, people. As in knots. Why were the Boy Scouts and their pack daddies not rounded up immediately? George Martin, who co-led a scout pack with Rader put it best in today's New York Times. "The sheepshank, the bowline, the half hitch, the monkey fist," Martin remembered, "Dennis knew them all." You'd think that the Ivory soap sculptures and navy blue kerchiefs that were found with the bodies would have been enough of a clue.