MONDAY, MARCH 21
If you suffer from frequent headaches, it would be in your best interest to avoid the Michael Jackson trial. The Trial of the Millennium™ started off in a fairly brain-piercing manner this morning when a Jackson fan caused a mini-riot outside the Santa Maria courthouse in California, when she fell down and began screaming hysterically for "a lost notebook"--which we can only assume was filled with fanatical poetry, photos torn from magazines, and crudely drawn pictures of herself stabbing her mother in one frame and marrying Jackson in the next. Happily for everyone who didn't have the foresight to bring along a case of Tylenol, the screaming woman was quickly whisked off in an ambulance--presumably to Neverland (the mental asylum, not the ranch). Meanwhile… The increasingly feeble Jackson had a tough time making it to court again this morning--and though he was dressed in real clothes and not pajama bottoms, according to reporters he was sobbing, shaking, and appearing to be on the verge of throwing up. Arriving one minute before his 8:30 am court appointment, it took him 10 more minutes to hobble into his seat--and then another several minutes to visit the restroom and return so the trial could finally begin. Unfortunately, by the time the prosecution was able to call its first witness, the boy who was allegedly molested had just turned 87 years old, developed Alzheimer's, and was unable to recognize Jackson. (But with all that plastic surgery, who can blame him?)
TUESDAY, MARCH 22
"Feeding Tube Frenzy 2005" continued today, when the parents of brain dead Terri Schiavo begged a federal appeals court to keep their daughter alive by reinserting the tube taken out last Friday by her concerned husband. Though doctors have clearly stated that Terri will never snap out of her vegetative state, conservative Christians and anti-abortion zealots have made the Schiavo case the hottest topic around the holy water cooler since Passion of the Christ. And speaking of Hollywood's most popular snuff film, the director of the Passion, Mel Gibson, also spoke up today on the subject of Schiavo, even though it was clear no one asked him. "I fully support the efforts of [Schiavo's parents] to save their daughter… from a cruel starvation. Terri's husband should sign the care for his wife over to her parents so she can be properly cared for." In a related story, Mel Gibson is a fucking idiot.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 23
And now a creepy story from the Michael Jackson "TMI" ("Too Much Information") files. The Trial of the Millennium™ became even more lurid today when prosecutors trotted out EVERY SINGLE PORNO MAG JACKSON HAS EVER OWNED. Among the triple-X rated evidence gathered by the 2003 raid on the Neverland Ranch were copies of Playboy, Hustler, Penthouse, Barely Legal, Just Legal, Finally Legal, Over 50, Juggs, and Plumpers (never heard of that one… Ball Park Franks porn?). However, the dirtiest trial since Pee Wee was caught shaking his pee-pee stopped short of its climax when Superior Court Judge Rodney S. Melville ruled that prosecutors would not be allowed to show the very naughty contents of four computer hard drives also seized during the raid. According to Deputy District Attorney Gordon Auchincloss, one hard drive alone contained 1,700 photos of "adult erotic material" downloaded from such sites as VarsityTeens.com, TeenSteam.com, and Slut1.com. "We wouldn't seek to introduce [all] 1,700," Auchincloss told the judge. "It would have taken us several days to print it." Really? We know a few Kinko's employees who would be more than happy to help! Meanwhile… A horrifying turn of events occurred today in "Feeding Tube Frenzy 2005," when Jeb Bush, brother of the President and governor of Florida, sought the court's permission to take custody of Terri Schiavo in another cruel attempt to keep her alive. Faced with the prospect of being under the control of Jeb Bush, Terri Schiavo leapt out of her bed screaming, "I'm fine! I'm fine! I was just kidding around! For the love of God, don't let him near me!"
THURSDAY, MARCH 24
There was finally some good news today in "Feeding Tube Frenzy 2005" when Circuit Court Judge George Greer refused to entertain the idiotic idea of Governor Jeb Bush taking custody of brain damaged Terri Schiavo. Judge Greer ruled that "the requested intervention appears to be brought for the purpose of circumventing the courts' final judgment…." Which is a nice way of saying Jeb Bush is an asshole con artist who cares far more about his political standing with his state's fanatical Christians than the speedy death of a woman who's clearly suffering. Still… sometimes it's nice to be nice. Meanwhile… Things aren't looking so good for the Pope (who should've been taken off his feeding tube years ago). According to the Vatican, while the 84-year-old Pope John Paul continues to teeter and wobble toward the pearly gates, the magnificent bastard just won't fall down. Though his recent ailments haven't stopped him from speaking out against abortion and gay marriage, his time is definitely drawing near, and a cardinal close to the pontiff claims the pope is in "serene abandonment to God." When God was informed of the abandonment, he said, "Well… I don't want it. Could one of you guys drop it off at Goodwill?"
FRIDAY, MARCH 25
We like Wendy's as much as the next crappy food chain, but after reading today's story about the newest ingredient in their chili, we're rethinking our ambivalence. It seems a woman at a San Jose, California Wendy's bit into a human finger while enjoying a bowl of chili at a local franchise. She spit the finger (and the rest of her stomach contents) right out. We don't eat fingers anyway--because we don't eat red meat--but even so, it seems like fast food fingers have got to be especially bad for you. Due to the public reaction to the incident, Wendy's is scratching plans to introduce tiramisu on their dessert menu. [Note to readers: You might need to look up "tiramisu" to get this one. Sorry. - Ann.]
SATURDAY, MARCH 26
And now an important public service announcement: Today it was announced that Harmony Brands™ condoms are being recalled because they may not work properly. Owners of any Lover latex condoms should return their UNUSED products to the place of purchase for a refund. On a related note, Harmony Brands™ is also recalling B-Sure one-step home pregnancy test kits. Owners of the kits should return their UNUSED products to the place of purchase for a refund. Owners of BOTH Lover latex condoms and B-Sure one-step home pregnancy tests should sell their stereos and head right to Baby's R Us for nursery supplies. Congratulations!
SUNDAY, MARCH 27
Today The New York Times ran an impressive photograph of the large escape tunnel dug by prisoners at a detention center in Iraq. Guards at Camp Bucca began nosing around for underground passages after they found a smaller tunnel and then noticed dirt in latrines and piles of dirt around the camp perimeter. This was the prisoners' fatal mistake. You're supposed to smuggle the dirt out in your pants and then scatter it in the yard so it doesn't pile up. Maybe The Great Escape hasn't been dubbed into Arabic. In any case, despite the fact the tunnel extended from beneath the floorboards of a detainee tent to outside the camp, the guards don't think that any of the camp's 6,049 prisoners had used the tunnel yet. Perhaps they were just using it to smuggle in pita.