Have you ever woken up after a horrible dream, only to realize that your worst nightmare has inexplicably come true? Well, rise and shine, buttercup, because BRITNEY SPEARS IS PREGNANT! Like some horrifying hillbilly version of Rosemary's Baby, the princess of pop announced this week that she is indeed carrying the demon seed of her lay-about hubby Kevin "Korn Fed" Federline. This would make it Britney's first child (that we know of), and Kevin's third--if you count the two children derived from former girlfriend, Shar Jackson… which he isn't. Naturally, the prospect of a Britney Spears baby has media types like ourselves buzzing with questions, such as: 1) Is it a boy or girl? 2) What will they name it? 3) Does this mean Britney will have to quit her Marlboro and Red Bull habit? 4) Will a baby cut into Kevin's much-needed "laying around on the couch and playing video games" time? While we have no answers to numbers three and four, unsubstantiated rumors have it that Brit's "bun in the oven" definitely has a vagina. But before you fly off on a shopping binge, remember: no makeup and earrings for the lil' beauty queen until she's at least two and a half! As for the name, bookmakers in Ireland are already taking bets on what the little piker will be called, with "Lynn" (Brit's mother's name) leading the pack at eight to one odds. But if you ask us, Brit and Kevin will choose a name that's much nearer and dearer to their hearts… which is why we're putting our money on "Chee-tos."
TUESDAY, APRIL 12
In case you need proof that President Bush can do pretty much whatever he wants, look no farther than his nomination for ambassador to the United Nations, John R. Bolton--a person who everyone agrees is an asshole. Bolton is widely regarded as a curious choice to become a diplomat in the UN, especially since he's taken numerous swipes at the organization, calling it "irrelevant" and "misguided." Today in confirmation hearings, former State Department intelligence chief Carl Ford Jr. put the finest point on it, referring to Bolton as a classic "kiss-up, kick-down sort of guy," who is a "serial abuser" of any analysts who dared to disagree with him. Regardless of this damning testimony, it is highly unlikely that any Republican will vote against him, and it's expected Bolton will sail into his new United Nations post. (Advice for the unlucky bastard who sits next to Bolton at the U.N.: Don't do anything to make him mad--unfortunately for this diplomat, diplomacy is not his strong suit!)
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 13
A big break in the "Woman finds finger in Wendy's bowl of chili" case today, when the woman in question mysteriously withdrew her suit, citing "emotional" difficulties. As reported a few weeks ago in One Day, Las Vegas chili eater Anna Ayala filed suit against the fast food giant after allegedly discovering a 1 -inch-long fingertip in her food--which, apparently, is not a normal ingredient. However, after Wendy's offered a $50,000 reward for information about the finger, and it was revealed that Ayala has a history of making claims against corporations, and that all of the Wendy's employees are still in possession of their digits, the woman decided to drop her claim. But the mystery remains: Where did the finger come from? Hilariously, San Jose police are currently investigating an exotic animal owner who reportedly lost her finger in a leopard attack--and then lost it again before it could be reattached at the hospital. To paraphrase Oscar Wilde, "to lose one's finger in a leopard attack may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose it twice looks like carelessness." We have no idea if Oscar Wilde ever said anything about chili.
THURSDAY, APRIL 14
Apparently, Christians are only happy when they're making other people unhappy. Today, local Christians breathed a collective sigh of relief when the Oregon Supreme Court nullified 3,000 same-sex marriages that were threatening to harm absolutely no one in any conceivable way. Providing the much-needed "Jesus-Freak" perspective, the Oregonian interviewed elated, narrow-minded crackers Melanie and Wilf Scheuermann of SE Portland, who claimed that the judge's decision to ruin the lives of 3,000 couples "affirms their religious convictions." Wilf, who thinks he has a pretty good handle on God's overall plan for things, said, "It's important for children to have a mother and a father. In order for children to understand life the way God intends, they need both sides." His biblically submissive wife Melanie agreed, noting that a "healthy" marriage can only be attained if a penis and vagina are involved. "One man, one woman," she said, repeating the Defense of Marriage Coalition mantra as if it were impossible to fit another thought inside her head. "That's a social boundary for me." Speaking of social boundaries, it sounds like we should start erecting some of our own. For example, we should love the Scheuermann's in our hearts, but refuse to serve them when they order coffee from us. Or respect their beliefs by refusing to allow them into any movie that has more than a "G" rating. Or hey--maybe they shouldn't even be allowed into church. We may not know as much about religion as Wilf does, but from what we hear, "hypocrites" are one of God's "social boundaries."
FRIDAY, APRIL 15
Flaccid yet horny Jews around the world rejoiced today when a bigwig rabbi okayed Viagra for Passover after Viagra's Israeli manufacturer received calls and letters from men curious as to whether their hard-ons were kosher. Our hubby Kip is ALWAYS asking about that. The rabbi, Mordechai Eliahu, ruled that the little blue pills could be popped if the pills were placed in special gelatin capsules, reversing an earlier ban. Of course we are thinking the same thing you are--Mordechai Spears-Federline! It's catchy and it's historically significant. Of course "Chee-tos" is a better name--but there might be some trademark infringement involved.
SATURDAY, APRIL 16
We have dreadful and disheartening news! This may be difficult to soak in, so be sure you're sitting down somewhere, lest you faint dead away crossing 23rd Ave. for a latte. Ready? All right then. Ralph Lauren has been violated. Yes, Polo Ralph Lauren Corp. is claiming that thousands of customers' credit-card information may have been exposed to geeks! Believe us, we are as angry and frightened as you are. Holders of GM-branded MasterCards, among others, are being told that geeks may have obtained access to their credit card information and that their cards should be replaced before the geeks run up bills buying foreign-made vehicles, videogames, and turntables. And speaking of Ralph Lauren, did you know that the Polo shirt is now offered in more than 100 colors!?! Visit polo.com and enter your credit card info now.
SUNDAY, APRIL 17
The New York Yankees are 4-8, so their principal owner George Steinbrenner took the opportunity to issue the following burst of vitriol: "I am BITTERLY DISAPPOINTED, as I am sure all Yankee fans are, by the lack of performance by our team. It is unbelievable to me that the HIGHEST-PAID TEAM in baseball would start the season in such a deep funk. They are not playing like true Yankees. They have the talent to win and they are not winning. I EXPECT Joe Torre, his complete coaching staff and the team to TURN THIS AROUND." Meanwhile the owner of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays (also 4-8) issued this letter: "I am so PLEASED, as I am sure all Devil Ray fans are, by the stellar performance of our team!!!! GO RAYS! It is unbelievable! DEVIL RAYS ROCK!!!!" [Kev and Brit - what would you do in this parenting dilemma? Would you use the carrot or the stick? Do you think that hitting a child is "okay some of the time"? Discuss. - Ann.]