MONDAY, MAY 2

America's favorite G.I. Jane, Lynndie England, pled guilty today to seven of nine criminal counts for her role in the Abu Ghraib prison abuse scandal. The plucky reservist was the former lover of abuse ringleader Charles Graner who, though the father of her baby son, ended up marrying another of the accused, Megan Ambuhl. Famous for her winning grin and unwavering enthusiasm, Lynndie has remained stoic in the face of negative public opinion. Who cares what people think, Lynndie? Who cares about the Geneva Convention? Who cares about Middle Eastern male genitalia? Oh, wait, you do! You crazy, joyful sadist! Don't hide your light under a bushel, Lynndie! And now who will carry the beacon of sadism for the sadists of the world while you are spending no more than 30 months behind bars? Simon Cowell? He doesn't look nearly as good holding a leash. But while we wait for you, he'll do.

TUESDAY, MAY 3

More bad news for ugly people: The New York Times reported today that Canadian researchers studied shoppers with children in supermarkets, then rated the attractiveness of the children and how well their parents treated them. Their findings? Parents treat their unattractive offspring like the utter disappointments that they are. Pretty children were more likely to be belted into their seats in the shopping cart. Ugly children were more likely to be left unbelted and even allowed to wander out of sight. Well, sure. The parents are banking on a kidnapping. Who wouldn't? The researchers also noticed that dads seemed particularly prone to trying to get their ugly children killed, leaving them unbelted 100 percent of the time, while buckling up their pretty children 12.5 percent of the time. Naturally, the ugly children will have the last laugh. They are statistically likely to grow up to become Canadian researchers.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 4

Hang on to your sequined tube tops kids, it looks like American Idol may not be the paradigm of healthy creative competition we all believed it to be. Former contestant Corey Clark told ABC News today that judge Paula Abdul helped him pick out songs, lent her considerable expertise on outfit selection, and even gave him prescription cough medicine to soothe his throat. That's right. First the prescription cough medicine, then before you know it, you're jacked up on Ricola and Vicks VapoRub--this is SERIOUS SHIT, people. Corey also says that Paula coached him in the ways of love, only to plead with him to keep their amore a secret. But how could the failed contestant keep such a pink and throbbing sensual tempest locked away in his little black heart? Especially when he is angling for a book deal? Primetime Live showed footage of Corey serenading Paula during an audition, even kissing her on the soft flesh of her delicate hand. When he was later slipped Abdul's digits, he called, and she sent a car to bring him right round to her love den. Primetime Live also showed pages of Corey's cell phone records that detailed calls between the 22-year-old contestant and the nearly geriatric Abdul. One of these calls lasted 155 minutes, which, as everyone knows, is exactly how long it takes a former Laker Girl to come during phone sex.

THURSDAY, MAY 5

Why do we miss all the good sales? Online casino Golden Palace has announced that it has nabbed Britney Spears' home pregnancy test for the bargain price of $5,001. They bought the historic treasure from Ottawa radio station Hot 89.9, which claimed to have rescued it from the trash outside Spears' hotel room in Los Angeles, months before she announced that one of Kevin Federline's sperm had badgered its way into an innocent egg. This is why it's always smart to go through celebrity garbage whenever you have the chance, and equally important to always dispose of used pregnancy tests in the most destructive manner possible. If you don't have a machete, bake the thing in the toaster oven for 15 minutes. Golden Palace has a jamboree of oddities including a sandwich that resembles the Virgin Mary, a Dorito that looks like the Pope's hat, and a haunted cane. Yes, the test may belong to some El Salvadoran hotel maid, but what if it actually is the pee of the Princess of Pop? As a Golden Palace spokesman said, "It's hard to put a price on Britney Spears' urine."

FRIDAY, MAY 6

Hold everything, Paris--we may have found the perfect replacement for your former BFF and Simple Life coconspirator Nicole! Skip the Kimberly Stewart rock 'n' roll royalty route and go with gullible-girl-in-combat-boots-with-questionable-morals Lynndie England! In a surprise move, a US Army judge has declaired Lynndie England's trial a mistrial, saying her guilty plea was not believable. But don't start texting your agent just yet, Paris. This does not mean that England, 22, will go free. The army can charge her again and even add more counts. But under military law, the judge could not accept England's plea unless he was convinced she knew she was being a bad, bad girl. Her lawyers had long maintained she was following orders, but after a plea deal, England said on Monday that she knew her actions were wrong. But then in comes Private Charles Graner (the ex-lover/boss turned guy-who-married-another-gal) who testified that the famed photo of England holding a naked prisoner on a leash was not abuse, but a standard method guards use to control unruly prisoners. See, if Graner and England felt that use of the leash was proper there WAS NO CRIME. Like when Nicole got busted with heroin and totally got out of it! Isn't that HOT? Naturally Lynndie would need a makeover. But you've got staff for that, right?

SATURDAY, MAY 7

The Virgin Mary that appeared on a Chicago underpass is no more. Pilgrims had been flocking to the salt stain on the Fullerton underpass on the Kennedy Expressway in Chicago, which many Roman Catholics said resembled a popular representation of Mary, and others said looked eerily like Lindsay Lohan. Sadly, the Madonna/starlet had to be painted over after it was defaced. Police have charged Victor Gonzalez, 37, of Chicago, with a misdemeanor, for allegedly writing the words "Big Lie" in black shoe polish over the image. In fact, compared to the whole water into wine thing, it was just a little lie.

SUNDAY, MAY 8

After murmurings all week, today E! finally got a bead on the latest celebrity stork: Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are expecting. According to E! Jennifer is three months along. Just two weeks ago, the gossip mill thrilled at the rumor that Jen and Ben had become engaged, only to be viciously rebuffed by Affleck's publicist, who called the reports "garbage." We did not know at the time that he meant garbage in the Britney Spears pregnancy test sense. What will this all mean for Sydney Bristow? Alias is slated to begin filming next season in July. We're guessing mysterious implantation or surrogate. Why can't TV shows ever come up with classy storylines for this sort of thing? Like a tumor?