When it comes to unfortunate marriages, nobody can beat the girls of Hollyweird! First up to bat: The increasingly bizarre and untalented Renée Zellweger, who, for reasons unknown, decided to up and marry country singer/hick Kenny Chesney. After being dumped by rubber-faced funnyman Jim Carrey in 2000 (will she ever live that down?), Renée quickly made matters worse by going on a musician-dating binge which included the pallid Jack White (of the White Stripes) as well as Irish singer/songwriter Damien Rice (who, even worse, no one has ever heard of). After annoying these poor men to the point of despair, Renée took up with straw-chewing hillbilly Kenny a month ago, and married him before he had a chance to discover her inner hag. Oh, Kenny--you poor, dumb hick. Take a tip from fellow hillbilly Britney Spears and get that marriage annulled ASAP! (As a country/western singer, you can always claim mental incapacitation.) And speaking of which… We know a certain hubby of Britney Spears who's about to realize there's a price to pay for marrying the princess of pop. According to World Entertainment News, Britney has all but admitted she's given up trying to keep her girlish figure--because now that she's married to Kevin "K. Fed" Federline, she "doesn't care" what she looks like. "I walk out of my house in my pajamas, with no makeup on and I just don't care because that's how I feel more comfortable," said the formerly svelte star, who's probably shoving a bean burrito in her mouth as we speak. "After I got married I was one of those people who let themselves go a bit. If you want me to wear a fancy dress to go to Starbucks, then you are completely wrong." No problem, Britney! Just remember even Starbucks has a dress code, as in "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service." (And no shoes means no Cheetos Macchiatos.)
TUESDAY, MAY 10
Today in the former Soviet republic of Georgia, someone threw a hand grenade at President Bush--but before you get all excited, it didn't blow up. The President was in the unpronounceable Georgian capital of Tbilisi to gloat about how great Democracy is to a rambunctious crowd of 150,000 when an unknown assailant threw a Soviet-made RPG-5 hand grenade that landed roughly 100 feet from where Bush stood. Gela Bezhuashvili, secretary of Georgia's Security Council, said the grenade "was not in working condition. In fact there was no chance it could explode." This hurt the grenade's feelings, who spoke out today saying, "I totally could have exploded, had I chosen to do so. I was simply overwhelmed by the President's speech, and… okay… okay. I admit it. I was drunk on the vodka. But I swear, I have never had any trouble performing in the past!"
WEDNESDAY, MAY 11
After waiting weeks for the appearance of a real, major celebrity at the Michael Jackson "Trial of the Millennium™," we were rewarded today with a true Hollywood heavy hitter: Macaulay Culkin! Unfortunately, Mac is no longer the adorable tow-headed hero of yore who bested two bungling burglars in the 1990 hit comedy Home Alone. Instead he's a slumping, mumbling 20-something who took the stand to voraciously deny ever being touched or molested by Michael Jackson. He even pooh-poohed our favorite accuser, French chef Phillip LeMarque, who was reportedly so shocked by the sight of Jackson's hand down 13-year-old Mac's pants that he dropped a plate of French fries. Very disappointing, Macaulay… very disappointing. So what if Jackson didn't actually molest you? Don't you think you owe it to your fans to at least give a more spirited performance? This was your one chance for a comeback, and YOU BLEW IT. Now it's up to some less famous washed-up celebrities to make the "Trial of the Millennium™" worth watching again. (And we're talking to YOU, Corey Feldman and Webster!)
THURSDAY, MAY 12
Lovers of mediocre hamburgers, rejoice! According to San Jose police, Wendy's has been exonerated from accusations that they put dismembered fingers in their chili. Last March, Anna Ayala filed suit against the restaurant, claiming to have chomped down on a one-and-a-half-inch fragment of finger while dining in a San Jose Wendy's. After noticing that none of their employees seemed to be missing fingers, the restaurant offered a $100,000 reward for any information as to how Ayala came in possession of the digit. Our favorite "tip" came from someone who claimed the finger was chewed off in a leopard attack, which was subsequently stolen from the hospital--but this story was later discounted as false (though still hilarious). As it turns out, police say the finger came from a friend of Ayala's husband, who lost the fingertip in a boring old industrial accident. The accuser has been arrested and is currently awaiting trial for fraud. Wendy's claims to have lost millions in sales since the accusation was made, but as it is a corporate megalith, we're sure they'll figure out some way of carrying on. And as for the amputated finger? Well, we know of at least one leopard who wouldn't mind finishing that bowl of chili.
FRIDAY, MAY 13
Angelina Jolie is on the current cover of Vanity Fair, and you know what that means! She's sure to carve a heart in her thigh with a straight razor or at least say something kooky! She does not disappoint: It turns out that Jolie lied to her ex-hubby Billy Bob Thornton (who is famously frightened of antiques) and filled their home with vintage pieces while telling him they were reproductions! He was desperately sick with antique bad mojo and didn't know why! When he pathetically shared his anxiety, she rebuffed him. "I'd say to him, 'It's a reproduction, don't be insane,'" she said, expertly gas-lighting the poor, deranged fuck. "There was one day I kept saying that 'It's a reproduction, don't be crazy,' and he opened up a drawer and it said, 'Dynamite.' It was made of an old dynamite box, and so I was busted." The moral? You can't have a lasting relationship and fib about the origin of one's décor.
SATURDAY, MAY 14
Sienna Miller (the fiancée of Angelina's rumored ex-lover, Jude Law) is apparently being replaced in a movie by Tom Cruise's new squeeze, Katie Holmes. British newspapers reported last week that Miller had been sacked from her role as Andy Warhol muse Edie Sedgwick in Factory Girl in favor of a "bigger name"--or, more aptly put, a "bigger girlfriend." The film's director, George Hickenlooper, cops to having done lunch with Katie, who Hickenlooper (don't you just LOVE that name?) says is "not too different from Edie, who arrived in New York as young, innocent, looking for excitement." Then got a bad boob job and died of a drug overdose. JUST like Katie! Meanwhile, Miller is claiming the starring role merely interfered with a London theatre production of As You Like It, in which she plays the pivotal role of "Villager #14."
SUNDAY, MAY 15
Comedian Dave Chappelle, who left his hit show without a word and was rumored to be crouched in the corner of a small room in a South African mental institution is just fine, thank you very much. "I'm not crazy, I'm not smoking crack," he told Time magazine. He was also not in an asylum, though he did admit to having a 40-minute visit with a psychiatrist. (Well, there you go. You can see how these sorts of rumors get started.) Chappelle explained that he is on a "spiritual retreat" and is crashing with pals in Durban, South Africa. As any Hollywood watcher knows, spiritual retreats often come up suddenly, requiring stars to act quickly. There is very rarely time to alert one's agent or castmates. That is just how spiritual retreats work. As we all know, networks are impressed by neither spiritual retreats nor their rigorous requirements--so Chappelle's network, Comedy Central, has told the staff of Chapelle's Show to find other work. Looks like it's "spiritual retreats" for everybody!