Justice has once again been served--unfortunately it wasn't what we ordered and arrived at our table cold. After 14 weeks, the Trial of the Millennium™ has reached its conclusion, and Michael Jackson is apparently innocent of multiple charges of molestation and plying a minor with alcohol. "Justice is done," crowed defense attorney Thomas Mesereau Jr. "[Michael Jackson's] innocent. He always was." Okay, so why doesn't anyone believe it? Weirdly, even the jury who proclaimed his innocence still thinks he's guilty. "I feel that Michael Jackson probably has molested boys," said juror Raymond Hultman. "[We're not saying] he's an innocent man. He's just not guilty of the crimes he's been charged with." A grandmotherly woman identified as juror #5 agreed, also citing the unreliability and the finger snapping of the alleged victim's mother on the stand. "I just didn't like when she snapped her fingers at us," groused #5. "[I thought,] don't snap your fingers at me, lady." Another of the jurors also seemed to think Jackson is a pedophile… just not enough of a pedophile. "We expected some better evidence, something more convincing, but it just wasn't there." Regardless of the jury's wishy-washy verdict, Jackson was pleased by their decision, and found himself too choked up to speak--but that could be because he had the testicles of a 10-year-old boy in his mouth.
TUESDAY, JUNE 14
Speaking of advanced states of denial, actor/crackpot Scientologist Tom Cruise continues to adamantly insist that his relationship with virgin-ish actress Katie Holmes isn't just a load of crap cooked up by the studios to promote A.) their movies and B.) the idea that Tom isn't gay. "I have to laugh," says Tom of the general public's disbelief. "Something magnificent has happened to me and something extraordinary, and I'm so happy I just can't restrain myself!" Well, that's unfortunate, because restraint is something Tom desperately needs, according to the producers of his new movie War of the Worlds. It seems Tom's effusive outbursts of love and jumping on people's couches and bizarre Scientology proselytizing have freaked out the muckety-mucks at DreamWorks, and is stealing headlines that should rightfully be going to the movie. Says DreamWorks exec Martin Levy, "You can have so much attention on a particular issue that maybe the movie doesn't get as much attention as it might." This is what's known in Hollywood terms as a thinly veiled threat. If Tom and Katie value their lives and careers, they need to stop jumping on couches, can the wuvvy-duvvy baby talk, and keep the horseshit Scientology sermons to a minimum. And most importantly, DON'T GET MARRIED. (Unless maybe they want to end up like Britney, J.LO, and Ben?)
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 15
President Bush is coming under pressure to be less of a jerk, and is now launching a new public relations campaign to distract his followers from the mounting U.S. death toll in Iraq. "The president recognizes that this is a concern that's on the minds of the American people," said White House press secretary and spineless worm Scott McClellan. "That's why he's going to sharpen his focus, spending more time talking about the progress that's being made on the ground…as well as our strategy for victory in Iraq." Yeah… right. You know the Bush administration is in trouble when even the Republicans are calling bullshit. "After 1,700 deaths, over 12,000 wounded and $200 billion spent, we believe it is time to have this debate and discussion [on an exit strategy from Iraq]," said Republican representative Walter Jones of North Carolina. Discussions are fine, but if Bush really wants to distract the American people from the devastation in Iraq, how about using a picture of Paris Hilton eating a hamburger? It worked for Carl's Jr.
THURSDAY, JUNE 16
But in case you need further proof of how low the Bush administration will sink to obtain information from detainees at Guantanamo Bay, look no further: Time magazine reported this week that interrogators have been attempting to get information from suspected terrorists by playing songs by Christina Aguilera--in particular, "Genie in a Bottle," and "Dirrty." They were also considering showing the prisoners episodes of Britney and Kevin: Chaotic--but felt that was just too inhumane. Meanwhile… According to World Entertainment News, actress Christina Applegate has been exposed to Ben Affleck's flaccid genitalia. The sexual harassment occurred while the two were working on the dismal Surviving Christmas, and Affleck somehow thought exposing his junk would lighten the mood. Says Christina, "They were doing a shot of a briefcase, and Ben put his stuff on the case. It was gross." This is not the first time a co-worker of Ben's got an unwanted glimpse of the actor's oily member; during the filming of ridiculous flop Jersey Girl, director Kevin Smith complained of Affleck occasionally "resting his scrotum" on the back of Smith's neck. It was later discovered the scrotum was in actuality Matt Damon.
FRIDAY, JUNE 17
They DID it. Tom and Katie got engaged. The Scientologist Svengali popped the M-word early this morning on top of the Eiffel Tower right before a conveniently scheduled War of the Worlds press conference. "Today is a magnificent day for me," Tom told reporters. "I'm engaged to a magnificent woman." No wedding date has been set. "We haven't discussed that--one step at a time," Tom said. Katie did not speak to reporters, but was seen mouthing the words "Help me. Why won't any of you help me?" behind Tom's head and whimpering like a trapped animal. The most obscene part of this noxious display? It happened right in front of child-star Dakota Fanning, who sat next to Katie during the press conference. Someone cover that child's eyes. Cover HER EYES.
SATURDAY, JUNE 18
Guess what? Apparently the Bush administration lied about our justification of the invasion of Iraq! We know. SHUT UP. But it's all in the latest international literary sensation, The Downing Street Memos. In minutes of a meeting that Prime Minister Tony Blair held with his top officials in 2002, Sir Richard Dearlove, then chief of Britain's Secret Intelligence Service, talked about his visit to Washington. "There was a perceptible shift in attitude. Military action was now seen as inevitable," Dearlove reported. "Bush wanted to remove Saddam, through military action, justified by the conjunction of terrorism and WMD. But the intelligence and facts were being fixed around the policy. The NSC had no patience with the UN route, and no enthusiasm for publishing material on the Iraqi regime's record. There was little discussion in Washington of the aftermath after military action. It seemed clear that Bush had made up his mind to take military action, even if the timing was not yet decided. But the case was thin. Saddam was not threatening his neighbors, and his WMD capability was less than that of Libya, North Korea or Iran." Isn't that FUNNY? Now BACK to TOM CRUISE!
SUNDAY, JUNE 19
Four brave warriors attempted to rescue Katie Holmes from the clutches of captivity today at a London red carpet screening of War of the Worlds. Pretending to be press, the foursome set about trying to drown starlet-hound Tom Cruise using a microphone outfitted with water jets. Tom, who was wickedly doused in mid-promotional sentence, began stuttering uncontrollably ("yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,") then repeatedly called the man behind the microphone a bad word ("jerk"). Tom then recovered his cool and chided the gentlemen for their antics. "That's incredibly rude. I'm here giving you an interview and you do that, it's incredibly rude." The would be Katie-savers later claimed to be a film crew shooting footage for an upcoming British comedy show featuring practical jokes played on cultists. In one future episode they purportedly use hidden speakers to try to convince Pope Benedict XVI that God is gay.