Dear Obsolescent Pair of Headphones: Iâm a lesbian about to be married to the love of my life. However, my sister doesnât approve of our decision, and has refused to attend the wedding. Should I try to convince her to come, or brush her off?âCaitlyn R., Beaverton
Dear Caitlyn: Who the fuck cares? I mean... why is this even a problem? Invite her, disinvite her, whatever. Let me tell you what a problem is: A problem is watching your entire lifeâyour entire identityâbeing erased from the planet and flushed down the goddamn toilet by those bastards at Apple and their newest masturbation device, the iPhone. When they chose not to include a headphone jack on the iPhone 7, they basically said, âOh... sorry, ridiculously outdated technology.â (And they were being sarcastic, because theyâre NOT sorry... like, at all.) âWe wonât be needing you or your stupid cord anymore, because youâre OLD, and DUMB, and USELESS. Your services are no longer required, so why donât you just fuck the fuck off, and strangle yourself with that moldy, fossilized cord.â That... THAT, my dear, is a fucking problem.
Dear Obsolescent Pair of Headphones: Due to rent increases, Iâm being forced to move to an apartment that doesnât allow pets. My ex-girlfriend said she would take my cat, but I hate my ex-girlfriend. Should I suck it up and give the cat to her, or frantically look for a different living arrangement?âTerrence J., Southeast Portland
Dear Terrence: Oh BOO HOO FUCKING HOO. I feel so terrible for you! Youâre in danger of losing A CAT? Iâm losing my entire reason for existence! Apple is like, âOh! Weâre sooooooo COURAGEOUS for removing the iPhone headphone jack. Weâre sooooo COURAGEOUS for not giving one single shit about how our customersâor perfectly useful headphonesâmight feel! Weâre just going to do whatever the fuck we want, and you can either like it or you can just fuck off and die, because your life, and everything youâve ever done for us MEANS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING.â Umm... anyway. Yeah. Keep or lose the cat. I donât know. I canât deal with you right now.
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