Dear America: On Wednesday, July 17, I’ll publicly testify before Congress about my investigation into Russian interference during the 2016 election. I promise I’ll be honest, forthright, and answer all questions to the best of my ability. Here’s something else I promise: I WILL DISAPPOINT YOU.

Look at it from my perspective: I was hired to do a job, right? Well, I did my job, and now you want me to return and tell you how I did my job? I already told you how I did my job—it’s called the Mueller Report! Ever read it? NO, YOU DID NOT! In fact, you refused to read it and instead took the word of a Trump-hired lackey who falsely claimed that my report exonerated the president, WHICH IT MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT.

And yet YOU were disappointed in ME? Why? Because I refused to argue with the idiots on Twitter who also DID NOT READ MY REPORT? Why aren’t you disappointed in Nancy Pelosi? She read my report, and while I practically begged Congress to start impeachment proceedings, she still hasn’t done a goddamn thing! And YOU—who refuses to read my report—are disappointed in ME?

But no big deal, because apparently, I’ve always been a disappointment! My father: “Why don’t you play football, son?” Because I’m going to grow up to investigate the PRESIDENT OF THE FUCKING UNITED STATES, dad! My mother: “Is that what you’re wearing to that Congressional hearing?” No, mom, I’m going to wear a tuxedo T-shirt, a pair of JNCO jeans, and a backward baseball cap that reads, “It’s Not Going to Suck Itself!” OF COURSE I’m wearing my regular black business suit, if that’s okay with you! Jesus! I don’t understand how a person who shops at Chico’s can be disappointed by the way I dress!

Anyway, here's what's going to happen: I'm going to testify before Congress, I'm going to repeat exactly what I said in my report that you didn’t read, the Republicans are going to lie and accuse me of saying things I absolutely did not say, and the rest of you are going to cry and yell that I didn't personally march into the White House, put Trump in shackles, and bury him up to his neck in a hill of angry ants! In short: I CANNOT FUCKING WIN.

So, to those whom I will surely disappoint by my upcoming appearance, TAKE THIS JOB (which I already quit, but am temporarily returning to because you people can’t read) AND SHOVE IT!

Yours in equal disappointment,
Robert S. Mueller III