In this issue of the Portland Mercury newspaper periodical gazette, our staff upholds a grand and glorious tradition: bitching about all the stuff that annoys us and banning it from the face of the Earth. It’s called “Not Invited Back (To the Coming Decade)” and you can read it here if you love self-serving negativity squirted all over your face.

However! While you’ll find a healthy pile of bitching from me in that article—on topics which include, but are not limited to, fried chicken, people who can’t mind their own goddamn business, and Baby Yoda—I prefer this column to take on a more productive tone. This is why, instead of telling YOU what YOU’RE doing wrong (which I have to admit is a lot) I’m going to focus on ways I can improve myself and better serve you in the coming year. Huh? What’s that? Oh, you’re welcome. Anyway, here are my resolutions for 2020:

Destroying Facebook:

You shouldn’t be using Facebook anymore because... fuck it. I could add a billion links to a billion articles about all the horrible things that Facebook has done to this planet and the people on it, and you would still use it. So I’m just going to say this: TEENAGERS ARE LAUGHING AT YOU. I know this because I am the owner of a teen, and I hear her and her many friends howling with cruel laughter about how the “olds” continue to use Facebook, much in the same way we laughed at the boomers on MySpace. Facebook is already dead—you are the pacemaker that’s keeping its corpse alive. So do the right thing in 2019 and pull the plug. (Wow! My resolution was to destroy Facebook, and I pretty much just did it! So far 2020 is going AWESOME for me!)

Stop Interpreting Every Mistake of Every Idiot Driver as a Personal Attack on Myself, and by Extension, Civilization:

I’ll admit I have this problem... but YOU’RE the one causing the problem! You’re not correctly performing the zipper merge! You’re activating your turn signal .0005 seconds before yanking your car into my lane! You’re tailgating me so hard, I’m tempted to call a tow truck to pull you out of my ass! You shouldn’t be allowed to drive a Ford F150 truck or larger until you successfully pass an anger management course! (I suppose riding my bike more often is also an option.)

Developing My Cum Gutters:

For the last year I’ve been working hard on my cum gutters... and they’re really coming in! (For the uninitiated, “cum gutters” are the deep creases that start at the top of your hip bone and travel down past your junk to your taint. You know... like the ones G.I. Joe has.) Cum gutters are very important to people like me who have a lot of “run-off” and require proper drainage. Plus my various lovers like them because a) it keeps my juices tidy, b) they’re aesthetically pleasing, and c) you can store a pencil in them. Anyway, I’m resolving to do lots more sit-ups in 2020 with the ultimate goal of having cum gutters so deep that scientists will confuse them with the Mariana Trench. Thinking about developing your own cum gutters? Good for you. But a word of advice for those in the cum gutter market: CLEAN YOUR CUM GUTTERS AT LEAST ONCE A YEAR. It prevents rot and mold, discourages harmful pests, and keeps drainage off your neighbor’s property. Cum gutters: Don’t leave 2020 without them.

Okay well, that’s all the resolutions I’ve got for this year... oh! Other than BEING VERY APPRECIATIVE THAT YOU’RE MY READER. I know you’ve got a lot of choices of stupid things to read in this world, which is why I’m extremely grateful that you’re being stupid with me. Good luck in 2020, pals!

Yours in properly managed run-off,
Wm. Steven Humphrey
Portland Mercury