Folks, Iâm just about as embarrassed as a poodle that done fell into a pig pen.
First of all, if yâall ainât never heard of me, Iâm Billy Ray Cyrus. Your grandmama might remember me from my 1992 number one smash single âAchy Breaky Heart.â You might remember me as the daddy of Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus. And your dope-smokinâ teenage nephew Kevin knows me as the goddamn lucky sonofabitch who was asked to sing along with Lil Nas X on the Grammy Award-winning âOld Town Road.â I still donât know how I got that gig.
Anyway, seems like I may owe everybody an apology. See, Iâm the one that probably caused the Wuhan coronavirus that the World Health Organization has declared âa public health emergency of international concern.â
Now before you get all hot under the collar, I need you to know that I donât normally go around creatinâ or spreadinâ diseases that could grow to pandemic-proportions and potentially kill hundreds of thousands of human beings. Iâm just a good olâ boy from Flatwoods, Kentucky, who just likes strumminâ his guitar, fishinâ at my favorite swimminâ hole on Sunday afternoons, and tradinâ exotic monkeys on the internet.
Now you see, I had this here exotic monkey (name was âRossâ)âand oh my lord, was he funny. He was one of them âCapuchinsâ... you know, like the one in that Raiders of the Lost Ark movie or David Schwimmerâs pet in Friends? (Thatâs why I named him âRossâ!) OHHHH, he got into everything! Bananas, crackers, cookies... why he even got into the viral pathogen experiments I got goinâ on down in the basement. Just a side hobby... yâknow... like the monkeys.
Anyways, in retrospect? Maybe I shouldnât-a traded Ross for that Yangtze alligator (Alligator sinensis)âbut are you kidding me? Maaaaaan, you canât find them in a Louisiana swamp! Them gators only live in the outskirts of Beijing and are extremely RARE, son! And sure, Iâll also admit that Ross was feeling a bit under the weather (barking cough, yellow discharge from the eyeballs, occasional retching) when I shipped him off to Wuhan. But I specifically told that buyer to quarantine that monkey on the off-chance that Ross could have a highly pathogenic influenza virus that could eventually mutate and âspecies jumpâ via mammalian transmission. I MEAN, WHAT ELSE WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?
Now I ainât tryinâ to get out of it. Just like I always told Miley: âGirl, you gotta own your shit.â So... fine. I accept my responsibility in possibly bringinâ about the human pandemic known as the 2019-nCoV or ânovel coronavirus.â I apologize, Iâm sorry, and Iâd appreciate it if yâall would grant me some privacy in this time of personal tragedy.
Oh! But if any of yâall run into Lil Nas X, could you please ask him to get in touch? I got me an idea for a rappy version of âAchy Breaky Heart,â and he ainât returninâ my calls.