This Week’s Question: Are You Voting for Biden or Bernie?

“Are you kidding, bro? Bernie! And if you vote for any of those other corporate shills, I sure hope you like being a sheep getting skull-fucked by our vampire oligarchs and their spineless Democrat accomplices! Bernie’s revolution is here, and if you’re too stupid to agree, I’ll post your kids’ pictures, names, and addresses on Reddit.” —Bryce Heston, 23, Southeast Portland

Thanks so much for your expert opinion, Bryce, you naïve sack of pigshit! Let me educate you about “revolutions,” genius: They rarely work, and they absolutely fail when they’re led by an 80-year-old who can only remember one speech and is five minutes from his next heart attack! The only sheep here is you, fuckface! But hey, you better get moving! The rest of your fellow garbage-spewing lemmings are already jumping off the cliff! Viva la revolución, you gullible dumbass!—Frank Cassano

“That’s a good question, because electability is very important to me. We need to get that Cheet-o out of office! Haha! By ‘Cheet-o,’ I mean Trump! Anyhoo, I like that Joe Biden. He’s just so charming, and his common-sense proposals make people like me feel safe.”—Molly McColluch, 61, Lake Oswego

Good call, Molly—because an uninspiring moderate candidate worked out just perfect last time! It’s dipshits like YOU who are to blame for Trump, and it’s dipshits like YOU who’ll keep happily marching the rest of us into the fire while you sip merlot in your subdivision! Molly, do me a quick favor: Call your local election office and tell them to remove you from the registration rolls—because you’ve been brain dead since the Reagan administration, you blathering fuckwit!—Frank Cassano

“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? The choice is between these two doddering, self-important jackasses? And our bullshit system is still rigged in their favor, thanks to a busted-ass primary system and centuries of misogyny? If only there was a badass out there with a legitimately progressive agenda, some really goddamn smart plans, and A MOTHERFUCKING GIFT for UTTERLY FUCKING DESTROYING SHITBIRD BILLIONAIRES! Now that’s a candidate who could WIN! If, you know, that candidate fucking existed.”—Elizabeth Warren, 70, Cambridge, Massachusetts

I love you.—Frank Cassano