Nothing excites us more here at the Mercury than to receive a letter from someone in prison. I feel I don't have to explain this.

Here's this week's best "Letter from Prison" from "Butterknife Dave," currently serving time at the Columbia River Correctional Institution—a minimum security prison located in deep northeast Portland.

Dear Portland Mercury,

In response to Miss Morgan's (Vol 12, #19, pg 5) "Why do I read Blogtown?" column, I don't read Blogtown, I can't. As it turns out, I surrendered my rights to Blogtown and all other things internets when I shoplifted and was grabbed from behind and violently accosted in a dark parking lot by an unidentified store detective monkey and later choked out fervidly for walking away from him which ultimately got me charged with armed robbery and assault for defending myself from that excessive force, then I was badgered into a ludicrous plea bargain — forget PPB brutality, good store detective monkeys are the real threat, I'm just glad I got to go to prison to be saved from the violence on the streets. So Miss Morgan, I'll have to stick to the printed goodies in the Portland Mercury until 2013 when I get the sweet-ass hookup back (the internets). Uh-oh, pop quiz in the showers, gotta go (I've changed majors from a CS batch @ PSU to a major in prison yard etiquette with a minor in toilet wine making). Before I go, can you find me a solid penal-pal? M4F or a hot guy, but only if he sends money — G4P...JK! Keep me schooled on all that is real and weird in PDX!

— "Butterknife" Dave

P.S. Portland Mercury, can you explain why my transistor radio doesn't get any good viking metal? Thanks.
P.S.S. It's 2:45 and my cellie is tickling my feet as I write this. Is that normal? I mean, I don't have LBGTs, I just don't know their ways. Does it sound like my cellie tickling my feet could be a come-on?