I have recently received truckloads of letters stating disbelief that my tips are derived from real life experience. Well, dear readers, I am sad to inform you that all of these things have actually happened to me. The only redeemer here is that while some goateed drug dealer is humping my leg at 3 am, I mentally add another dating tip to the list for your reading pleasure. So, keep up the good work, boys!

1. Don't put on my underwear. 2. Don't pass gas and blame it on my iguana. 3. Bonus points if you kiss me first. Bonus points if you get gutsy and French kiss me first. However, do not dart your tongue in and out of my mouth like a venomous reptile. 4. Speaking of darting/jiggling/ fast moves, don't shake my boob up and down and then look at me like I must be all hot now. Nice try, but I am not turned on in the least. 5. Don't flip your collar up. 6. Don't shave your chest. 7. Drive a stick shift. 8. Read to me. 9. Don't allow your roommate's stripper girlfriend to leave her Nair hair remover in the bathroom. 10. Don't say you want to "Stuff my hole." I may confuse you for an incurable romantic.