Hey Ladies! Here's a collection of condom reviews to help you find the perfect saddle for your ride on the baloney pony!

• Trojan® Extra Strength (Non-Lubricated) Ladies! Are you prone to regrettable, one-night stands with strangers when you get a little tipsy? Does it frequently feel like you're urinating sulfuric acid and can't figure out why? Then this is the condom for you! And you won't have to worry about the possibility of carrying the child of someone with pores the size of Rhode Island and the personality of a wet mop.

• Trojan-Enz® with Spermicidal Lubricant Although my private parts bear a striking resemblance to a waterfall, I like to have a little lube for a smooth ride. This condom features Nonoxynol-9 spermicide for extra protection while not being too thick or so thin. An everyday favorite.

• Impulse® Pale Rider (Lubricated) FIRE IN THE HOLE!!! This thing starts to burn after only a few deep thrusts. Basically, it feels like your lover dipped his penis in hot oil before ramming it up your slot like there was no tomorrow. Plus, I hate the cheeseball name.

• LifeStyles® Assorted Colors (Lubricated) Personally, I can't take my lover too seriously if he tries to sail the skinboat to tuna town with a hot pink yacht, but these do break the monotony with comic relief.

• Trustex® Cola Flavored Again with the gimmicks! I would imagine prostitutes like these because they provide protection and distraction from some sweaty, hairy guy's schlong. But cola flavored latex? Gross. I might as well drink Pepsi One™.

• LifeStyles® Studded (Lubricated) Good for having rough sex with a guy who calls you "Baby" and grabs your ass a lot.

• Durex® High Sensation A softer ride than your studded variety. Its ribbed texture feels different than a standard condom, but don't expect miracles. It's really just an overrated tube sock.

• Crown® Skinless Skin (Lubricated) This is the Barry White of condoms: smooth, deep, and wet. Aaahvery sensitive. Comes in a cool blue and silver package.

• Sagami® Peace and Sound Ultra Thin (Lubricated) So thin you'll find yourself tapping the microphone and saying, "Is this thing on?"