When I was barely 18, I gave the lead singer of my favorite band a hand job. This was scary for two reasons: He was pretty hairy and he wasn't circumcised. Either of these traits are perfectly fine, but it was the first time I had encountered such massive amounts of hair and skin, boldly flapping in the wind whilst he kissed me and said, "You are GOOD looking!" and "Great tits!" These are direct quotes, my friends. Sigh.

Now! Do not dismiss me as some sort of fickle groupie who flocks to the famous with autograph book and condoms in tow! I assure you I am a nice girl who does not normally do such dirty, ungodly things. Sure, I'm prone to embarrassingly rampant crushes, but that doesn't make me some sort of infested whore, does it? Of course not!

Topping my list of crushes, is of course, BOYS WITH ACCENTS. This includes, but is not limited to, Ewan McGregor, Jude Law, and Alan Cumming. (That's really his last name! I'm not trying to be funny here, I swear.) This does not, however, include Scottish boys living in Portland who think their accents can make up for their rat-like features and that giving me random back rubs is OK. It is not. Don't fucking touch me or I'll rip your bagpipe balls off and shove them up your freckled ass. You know who you are.

I also cannot neglect to mention the most dreamy Kate Winslet, who could easily turn me into a lesbian if only given the chance. Oh Kate, your luscious curves and supple lips Take me! Take me now!

Finally, there's that waiter at Old Wives' Tales who looks a little bit too much like Wes Bentley. The striking eyes, the dark hair and chiseled jaw it's all very suspicious. Now Wes, I'm sure there was a career let-down after the American Beauty explosion, but surely you can do better than this! Hurry! Send me your home phone number so I can blow some life into your career!