My dear horny readers! Do I have the chance of a lifetime for you! My fine ass is back on the market and up for grabs, so break out those bow ties and get ready for the first ever Dating Tips Booty Call! That's right, you too can win a date with me, Marie Martin, and be ridiculed in the pages of this fine publication! All you have to do is send in a recent photo with a brief description of yourself. And ladies, if you bear an uncanny resemblance to Kate Winslet, send in your entries as well! (Me like the British titty.)

As silly as they may seem, I have a few standard questions that every potential date must answer. It is truly shocking what sort of insight these responses provide!

1. Who are your favorite bands? (If you are even considering admitting that you still listen to Abba, put the pencil down or step away from the typewriter.)

2. Are you known to frequent drum circles, dance clubs, or team sporting events?

3. Have you ever been or are you currently in possession of parachute pants, hemp jewelry, or Pat Benatar records?

Feel free to include any additional information which may sway me in your direction. Be sure to include your name, phone number and address.*

Hurry! Send in your pics and stats to:

Dating Tips Booty Call!
c/o Portland Mercury
1524 NW 23rd Ave, Suite 2
Portland, OR 97210

*Note that mullets, flat tops, and bowl cuts subject you to immediate disqualification. Although I hope to receive a veritable plethora of responses, there are no guarantees, my friend. I retain the right to dump your ass at any time. Sketchy motherfuckers are discouraged from entering. By entering this sort of shameless, dare I say psuedo-personals ad contest, you grant permission to be quoted and/or mocked in the Portland Mercury. Names and pictures will not be printed without prior consent, though, so feel free to go balls out. No drop-offs, please.