Thanks to everyone who entered the "Dating Tips Booty Call" contest, where contestants explained why they should win a date with me, Marie Martin! Little did I know the horniness that awaited me! One fellow claimed he could "drive pilings" with his erection. Yowsa! Too bad he included a picture showcasing his choice of friends: a long-haired dude sporting a fanny pack, a wallet chain, AND socks with sandals, ALL AT THE SAME TIME. I kid you not.
Although I discouraged "sketchy motherfuckers" from entering, a creepy, hairy man from Southwest Portland (among others) ignored my plea and sent in his entry scrawled in what is undoubtedly serial killer handwriting. Yikes! Not to mention the moustached chap, who aside from being married, enjoys drawing insects for fun! So who can hook me up with a gallon of mace and a pair of steel toed boots?
Now to the real business. A number of contestants turned the tables by asking me probing questions, most commonly, Can I belch on command? Yes boys, I most certainly can! With or without a little booze, I can conjure up a decent burp most any time. What can I say, I'm a real classy lady! In the seventh grade one of my girlfriends told me I'd barf if I belched too much for too long. Pshaw! I said, and continued my mating call. After several dozen burps I quietly excused myself to the loo where I promptly vomited what I assume to be portions of my internal organs. Let that be a lesson to you!
And now to announce the winner! (Drum roll, please.) Raymond Brigleb of Portland is a fetching young gent who appears to be both charming and intelligent! He also readily admits to not wearing underwear. Hello, Mr. P! Raymond is the winner of a real, live, in-the-flesh date with yours truly.
For all the other gentlemen who entered, don't despair! All entries will be kept on file for 60 days. If a position becomes available that coincides with your skills, experience, and career goals, you will be notified via telephone or mail. So keep your chin (and other body parts) up, there is always hope for the horny.