Portland's celebration of the status quo has started in earnest. Here are our top picks for funny Rose Fest frivolity!


Festival of Bands: Calling all band nerds! The best high school marching bands from the Northwest battle it out in this intense competition (while the rest of us are making out underneath the bleachers). PGE Park, 7 pm, $10-$12

Waterfront Village Mainstage: Rock and Roll Hall of Famer Dave Mason (Traffic) takes the big stage for those who still delight in music from the '70s. Waterfront Village, 8:30 pm, $5


Dragon Boat Races: Fancy pants dragon boats race down the Willamette. Wagering encouraged! South end of Waterfront Park, 8 a.m. continuing on Sunday, free

Grand Floral Parade: Floats, marching bands, horse shit... but the really fun part is to get there early and steal people's lawn chairs! Downtown Portland, 10 am

Waterfront Village Mainstage: Audio Learning Center for the kids, followed by Violent Femmes for Grampy! Waterfront Village, 7 & 8:30 pm, $5


Rose Cup Race: The big daddy of Portland racing, thrill to the sight of cars smashing into the wall and raining twisted metal onto the heads of bloodthirsty fans. Portland International Raceway, 8:30 am-6 pm, $8