Talent Show Auditions

Got talent? Well, this August, the Mercury will be hosting an all-city talent show entitled "Pizzazz!" where Portland's most talented amateurs will compete to win fabulous prizes!

Whatever age, whatever crazy talent you have… tap dancing, ukulele playing, an 8-year-old singing the blues, jump roping, hot dog eating, juggling, magician-ing, breakdancing, "burp talking," mind reading, animal training, celebrity impersonating… you name it, that's what we're looking for!

Here are the rules: Your talent must take LESS than five minutes to perform. No more than four people can assist you with your talent. A CD player will be provided for singers and dancers (no complicated set-ups). The winner of Pizzazz! will win CASH and A TON OF GREAT PRIZES!

To become a contestant in Pizzazz!, you must audition, and these will be held on Sunday, July 17. Email zach@portlandmercury.com with your name, daytime phone number, and a brief description of your talent. We'll email you back an audition timeslot!

See? It's that easy! And winning the Pizzazz! Talent Show is your first step to stardom. So dazzle us, and enter today! WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY

Stonewall Celebration

It's fun galore as Holocene celebrates the 36th anniversary of the Stonewall Riots--a landmark civil-rights event in which gays, for the first time en masse, resisted police harassment and arrest. Proceeds will go to Basic Rights Oregon, the good people who (for better or worse) defend us against those hateful O.C.A. ballot initiatives and, more broadly, seek to end discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity. DJ Beyonda & DJ Sew What will spin the grooves to incite hormonal hysteria, while an eclectic assortment of performers, visual artists, filmmakers, and speakers will present their creative works and ideas. In an evening full of awesomeness, none shall be more awesome than the hardcore, soft-cock-rock opera that is Fleshtone. This is the most rock 'n' roll union of costumes, music, choreography, and nudity since, well… ever. There isn't really a way to adequately describe a Fleshtone show; previous performances have featured a dancing waffle and juice box with exposed genitalia, a giant lactating breast, and, my favorite, a sausage with boobs (see, you'd think a sausage would be phallic, right?). It's a testament to Fleshtone's Freddy Mercury-esque charisma that, amid such ambitious mayhem, she is never dwarfed by her exquisitely costumed companions. KIP BERMAN

Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, Tues. June 28, 7 pm, $5-10

Pedalpalooza: Climax

Throughout June, the festival known as Pedalpalooza has been offering tons of events in the name of celebrating all things bicycle. This Saturday, the cake is topped with a frosting finale that's sure to bring exuberant cyclists from all over the city. That's right, it's time for the annual Multnomah County Bike Fair!! A five-hour spree of competition, exhibition, and certainly not a trace of prohibition, the rowdy Bike Fair revolves around the tennis courts at Colonel Summers Park, the arena for a veritable carnival of events, including bike trailer pulls, a slow race, a bike rodeo, a derby, and the fair's climactic moment, the ever-popular Tall Bike Jousting contest, where insane people clash epically atop giant metal steeds.

Grab a brew from the fair's beer garden and enjoy the show. If you get bored, grab another beer and check out the "marry your bike booth," or musical performances by the Sprockettes, the Government Issue Orchestra, the Pheramones, Trash Mountain Boys, and Johnny Punchclock. Make sure to bring your own bike for the competitions, as no loaners are available, and make sure you don't miss the point of the whole thing: Bikes rule, and cars drool. JUSTIN SANDERS

Col. Summers Park, SE 20th & Belmont, Saturday, June 25, 2-7 pm, FREE

Finally… A Mechanical Bull!

Finally. No really. Fucking finally. How long has this newspaper been begging and pleading for a mechanical bull? I'll tell you. Since the first week we opened. You might remember, there used to be a bar in town called the Neon Spur. They, of course, had a mechanical bull, and then promptly shut down, leaving the employees of the Mercury to fall into a deep, crippling depression not even a naked Twister tournament could pull them out of. But a new day has dawned, and thanks to Billy Ray's Neighborhood Dive, pure unadulterated happiness is once again the law of the land.

So write a Sharpie note on the back of your hand this instant, because Sunday June 26th is the first and last time in the foreseeable future that you'll be getting your kicks on a mechanical bull. Besides the bull, fun will be had in the form of eating (BBQ), drinking (beer), a raffle (prizes), and live music (courtesy of the Power of County). There will also be prizes awarded for snappy dressing, and "special"--riding (meaning if you ride all slutty-style). Anyway, get your ass over there. Or don't--that just means more mechanical rodeo time for me! KATIE SHIMER

Billy Ray's Bull Riding Blow-Out, 2216 NE MLK, 287-7254, 3-11 pm, $3 per ride or 2 for $5