Mutant Bike Championship

A hallowed tradition since 2002, C.H.U.N.K. 666's Chunkathalon is a guaranteed, hell of a good time. The rogue bike club welds together mutant bikes, then terrorizes and delights the community by riding them, frequently into each other. Whereas previous Chunkathalons pitted riders against each other in one-on-one reckless competitions, this year is more teamwork oriented. As Silken, a C.H.U.N.K. spokesperson explains, "We got tired of the individualistic emphasis of events where people would essentially try to fuck up the other guy. C.H.U.N.K. is about teamwork, and saving babies, and going on a beer run for your buddies, and drinking that beer as a team." In keeping with this credo, competitors will be grouped in teams of four.

Although many associate tall-bike jousting with C.H.U.N.K., this is the second year in which the event will not be featured. "Seriously," says Silken, "jousting is everywhere now. We want to push the envelope... For example, I stopped drinking Pabst and started drinking Old Style." Activities will include the Gauntlet of Obsolete Technology Challenge, Team Baby Rescue, an Essay Contest, and a Historical Reenactment (subject of which had not yet been determined at press time). MARJORIE SKINNER

Free Geek, 1731 SE 10th, Sun Sept 4, registration opens at noon, events at 2:30 pm, eye protection strongly enouraged.

La Femme International!

The 24th Annual La Femme Magnifique International Pageant has arrived, and is taking one of the city's most unlikely locations by storm: the Red Lion at Jantzen Beach.

I wouldn't write this event off as another slapdash queer cabaret. Darcelle XV started this pageant before I was even born, so it promises to be a sophisticated spectacle. This year's theme is the appropriately glamorous "La Femme's Night at the Oscars: A Walk on the Red Carpet." A dress-up opportunity like that is sure to draw both delightfully elegant and outlandish movie-queen facsimiles.

The lovely queens will be judged in four categories, each one bursting with entertainment potential. The first category is "formal": I'm expecting diamonds. Second is the "theme" category, which will require creativity to avoid bad taste. Then comes "showgirl," a category that requires no explanation (only awe, and possibly trick lighting). Finally, les femmes will prove themselves in the "talent" category. Female impersonators work twice as hard as anybody else in show business, so expect the grand finale to be twice as entertaining as anything else you've ever seen. EVAN JAMES

Red Lion by the River, Jantzen Beach, 909 N Hayden Island Drive, 222-5338, Sun Sept 4, 8 pm, $30

Goonies Returns To Astoria

In spite of his utterly embarrassing attempt at rock 'n' roll fame and appearances on reality TV, Corey Feldman is exempt from scorn and ridicule. Why? Two reasons. For his role as half of the Frog Brothers, the Santa Cruz vampire slayers in Lost Boys; and, just as culturally important, for his wise-cracking as "The Mouth" in the lovable Goonies.

On Thursday, Feldman returns to Astoria, the location for this epic 1985 treasure hunt film.

Although the dialogue is, at times, laughably bad, the plot line builds up a pant-load of momentum. As the ragtag pre-teen group chases down a legendary pirate's treasure and dodges booby traps, they also are pursued by the fathomlessly evil Fratilli family, who have robbed a local bank and believe the kids are witnesses. The story is also underscored by smoldering adolescent sexuality. (C'mon, could it be any more obvious: a pirate named "One-Eyed Willy"?)

The screening is part of the Rolling Roadshow, which is showing films on giant outdoor screens at their original production sites.

All attendees of Goonies receive a Baby Ruth Bar and MUST do the Truffle Shuffle to be allowed in. PHIL BUSSE

More info; screening at 2111 Exchange Street Astoria, Thurs Sept 1, 8 pm, $10

Anime Convention

Welcome back, Kumoricon! Oregon's anime convention has returned, this year with a near-bursting lineup of events and activities for the anime obsessed.

The list of stuff going down at this year's Kumoricon is insane. Sure, there'll be the usual vendors, panels, and art shows, but there'll also be console and LAN videogaming, anime screenings, fan fiction sharing, trivia battles, workshops, the hilarious tradition of "cosplay" (wherein attendees dress up like their favorite anime characters), and karaoke contests (with a "serious" competition—"Japanese Idol"—and the far more promising "Karoke-Cosplay Hybrid" contest). Also present will be panels featuring anime voice actors (the guy who voices Tai, the leader of the Digimon, will be there!), professors, anime producers, as well as Bakazoku, a "comic cosplay group"! But—and here's where Kumoricon gets intense—there'll be a Dance Dance Revolution tournament! Holy shit! And you thought you'd never get the chance to see some white chick dressed up as Faye from Cowboy Bebop dance her damn heart out! ERIK HENRIKSEN

Doubletree Hotel & Executive Meeting Center, 1000 NE Multnomah. Convention starts at 8 am on Sat Sept 3 and continues until 5 pm Mon Sept 5, $40 for all three days. For schedule and registration info, hit