Aaaa! Portland is being taken over in June by a whopping 229 bike rides, all of them preciously themed. Shock! Awe! Here are our top pro-America picks from the patriotic Pedalpalooza pile—full list and details online at


LOSE YOUR LUNCH—Absolutely ripped Mercury Publisher Rob Crocker shows off his calves, leading an intrepid group of true spandex heroes on a lunchtime hill climb. Jamison Square, NW 10th & Johnson, noon

KICKOFF—Not since the Boston Tea Party has there been a prouder joining of picnics and sass. Gather with your fellow countrymen and countryladies for this kickoff of Pedalpalooza insanity. King School, NE Grand & Going, 6 pm

KARAOKE—Celebrate the release of the nation's #1 newspaper, the Mercury Bike Issue, with our favorite pastime stolen from no-good foreigners: karaoke. Bringing a bike light to the Boiler Room gets you one all-American PBR for one all-American dollar. Boiler Room, 228 NW Davis, 9 pm


SINK OR SCHWINN—Some freebox-loving ne'er-do-well is throwing his bike off the Hawthorne Bridge and wants to delight in plebeians swimming like lemmings to claim it. Vera Katz Statue, 2 SE Main, 5:30 pm


GINGER RIDE—Put the red in red, white, and blue. Redheads unite for this ride celebrating their beloved deformity. Wigs suggested for nonconforming hair colors. Green Dragon, 928 SE 9th, 7 pm

GAGA VS. MADONNA—Nothing is more American than pop stars out-crazying each other. Slap on a fresh meat dress and heels, or bust out the bustier and booty shorts for this mobile sexy-time dance party. Dawson Park, 101 N Stanton, 8 pm


DOGS IN TRAILERS—Dogs, dogs, dogs. True Americans love dogs. No socialist cat lovers allowed. Fernhill Dog Park, NE 35th & Ainsworth, noon

PRESIDENTIAL FITNESS CHALLENGE—Our Lord and Savior Ronald Reagan is crying tears from the grave over the slobby state of our society. Prove your mettle in this flashback to mandatory high school PE tests. Colonel Summers Park, SE 20th & Belmont, 6 pm


LATINO ART NOW—The Tea Party is 100 percent not-racist and not-not cultured. See? We are recommending this bicycle exploration of both art and the Latinos. So not racist. Peninsula Park, 650 N Ainsworth, 6 pm

TOUR DE FRANZIA—The French can suck my fat freedom fry. Slurping a bladder of box wine while off-roading seems like a worthy tribute to their annual puny "bicycle race." Overlook Park, N Interstate & Fremont, 7 pm


HAMMERCISE—Macho spandex aerobics set to bangin' tunes! Now that's what I'm talkin' about! Bring on the neon, mullets, and buns of steel. Naito Fountain, SW Naito & Ankeny, 6:30 pm

UNICYCLE BASKETBALL—AKA Watching Hippies Fall on Their Asses: The Ride. See you there. Sewallcrest Park, SE 31st & Stephens, 7 pm


BIKE FOR YOUR RIGHT TO PARTY—Start with a movie at the Hollywood Theatre, end with a pie fight while blasting the Beastie Boys. If only all my dates went so well. Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, 7 pm, $5