Michelle Mruk, Jake Giddens, and Damedeeso / Getty Images

Dear Readers:

GOATEES ARE GROSS. This truth we hold to be self-evident—and yet? Both the Oregonian and the Portland Tribune have endorsed a goateed person to be our next governor. Yes, there are plenty of other reasons to dislike GOP gubernatorial candidate Knute Buehler, which I will entertainingly list here:

• His name is “Knute.” How can you vote for a person whose parents obviously despise him?

• He refused to be interviewed by the Mercury because he is a big goateed chicken, BAWK BAWK BAWK!

• He portrays himself as a moderate Republican, which is like being a “moderate” bag of rancid pig entrails and milk.

• He wants to repeal the state’s sanctuary rule, because racial profiling makes his fellow bags of rancid pig entrails and milk happy.

• He refuses to release his taxes, just like another bag of rancid pig entrails and milk I could name. (Fine, DONALD TRUMP is the other bag of rancid pig entrails and milk!)

And while there are many other reasons to be grossed out by Knute Buehler (see our election endorsements here), all pale in comparison to his one fatal flaw: his super gross GOATEE.

I know it’s hard for people to get on the same page about anything these days, but can’t we just agree that goatees are literally the worst? During your next commute, take a peek at who’s driving those gas-guzzling Ford pickups. Five bucks says the person is (A) a white dude, (B) wearing a baseball cap, and (C) sporting a motherfucking goatee. You know who else wears a goatee? Kid Rock, Louis C.K., Johnny Depp, Tony Stark, Church of Satan founder Anton Lavey, Trump’s former deputy assistant (who occasionally shows up on Fox News saying imbecilic things) Sebastian Gorka... and? Larry the Cable Guy.

“Now hold on, Wm. Steven Humphrey,” I hear you cry. “After two hours of intense Google image searching, I discovered a picture of YOU wearing a goatee! Disturbingly, I also found a photo of you having your groin nuzzled by a miniature horse. EXPLAIN YOURSELF!”

Fine! You caught me! Yes, at one time I wore a goatee... in 1997. You know what else I did in 1997? I smoked a pipe! BECAUSE I WAS AN IDIOT, and didn’t realize until much later what an IDIOT looks like! (As for that picture of the groin-nuzzling miniature horse, what can I say? I was young. We were in love.)

BUT STOP TRYING TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT! The point is that the Oregonian and the Tribune’s editorial boards are a bunch of conservative honkies who have been salivating for a Republican governor in order to push anti-homeless laws, provide tax breaks to developers, and line the pockets of their millionaire pals—and they’ll do anything to make this happen, up to and including endorsing a bag of rancid pig entrails and milk. With a GOATEE.

In contrast, Kate Brown does not have a goatee. So vote for her.

Yer pal,
Wm. Steven Humphrey
Portland Mercury