damedeeso / getty images | Cover arrt by Alex DeSpain

There’s a reason people despise “year-end retrospectives”—because they’re objectively BORING. Hey, music writers! Nobody cares about your dusty choices for “best album of the year.” (BTW, it’s Ariana Grande’s Sweetener or GTFO.) Hey, film critics! Same goes for your “best film” pick. (Not a single film starred Ariana Grande this year, so why are we even talking about this?) And hey, “respected” news organizations! No one wants to read about the top 10 horrible events of 2018, because we freaking LIVED IT, okay?!? (Besides, if your list doesn’t include the time I accidentally washed my white Ariana Grande muscle-tee with my red Ariana Grande crop top, you’re not much of a news organization, are you?)

That’s why I’m devoting this column to the only year-end retrospective that matters: Wm. Steven Humphrey’s most amazing accomplishments of 2018. We don’t hear enough about that, do we? You’re right, we don’t! (You’re so smart and attractive. Can you make me a hamburger?)

SUPER IMPRESSIVE ACCOMPLISHMENT OF 2018: Telling off some random idiot in a pickup truck.

You’ve heard of Portland’s annual Leaf Day, right? Where you put your leaves in the street and the city picks them up for free? So I was raking a pile of leaves into the street when this DOORKNOB pulls up (in a diesel pickup, of course) and yells, “HEY! It’s against the LAW to dump leaves in the street!” Um... WHAAAAAT. So I respond, “Ever heard of ‘Leaf Day,’ doorknob?” And Doorknob sputters, “Buh-buh-buh... why don’t you go to hell?” And I shoot back, “Why don’t you go to college?” BOOM! Omigod, I love being funny and right!

SUPER IMPRESSIVE ACCOMPLISHMENT OF 2018: Telling off a nosy grandma.

(Note: I’d like to preface this by saying I’m not the villain of this story.) So I’m in the grocery store check-out line, right? And my kids are bugging me (as they do), asking if they can run over to the electronics department. I say yes, they scamper away, and this nosy grandma in front of me stage-whispers to her friend, “People should watch their children in the grocery store.” Um... OH NO SHE DID NOT. So I tap her on the shoulder and say, “Social services just called and told you to mind your own goddamn business.” BOOM! (In this lady’s defense, my kids are remorseless shoplifters. But still... BOOM!)

SUPER IMPRESSIVE ACCOMPLISHMENT OF 2018: Telling off a bike store employee.

I’ll be honest, I own a garbage bike. But since bike thieves will literally steal anything, I rolled my garbage bike into a shop and said I was interested in buying a lock. The employee looked at my bike, looked at me, and said, “Sorry, we don’t sell $5 locks.” Um... EXCUSE ME??? So I replied, “Oh, okay. Do you sell $5 dick faces? Because you have one of those... ON YOUR FACE!BOOM! (To anyone who thinks that particular “tell off” needed some work, maybe YOU need some work... ON YOUR FACE! BOOM!)

Look, I’m seeing my therapist next week, okay? Boom.

Yer pal,
Wm. Steven Humphrey
Portland Mercury