First of all, don’t panic. The Mercury is fine, okay? Our switch to a biweekly format was wildly successful, we’re making money, our readership is bigger than ever, and I’m less of a butthole around the office. I’m happy in my job and have no intention of leaving, okay? (Sorry, haters!) That said, I need another job STAT.

To be specific, I don’t need a different job, I need an additional job. And no, “Amazon porch pirate” isn’t on my list—though I wish you luck in your chosen career. I need a second job, and here are my requirements: It must provide a lot of money in exchange for minimal (preferably zero) effort, and most importantly, expand my personal brand.

As you know, I’m a mid- to low-level celebrity in Portland—somewhere above Pink Martini’s Thomas Lauderdale but below the Unipiper. That’s why I’m thinking of selling my name to businesses who want to increase their popularity. Take Michael Jordan’s Steakhouse, for example: Michael Jordan can’t cook steaks for shit! How do I know this? While he was great at basketball, his forays into baseball and golf were embarrassing. However, he’s famous enough that random businesses can increase their profits by tacking his name onto theirs.

That’s why I can see lots of businesses—both local and national—doing very well for themselves if they partnered with the Wm. Steven Humphrey brand. Obviously, I’m not Michael Jordan—but then, I don’t charge as much as Michael Jordan either. My brand could really help those businesses who are already kind of successful, but could use my semi-popular, mostly beloved name to really put them over the top!

Let’s imagine some businesses that could really benefit from the addition of my name, such as: Wm. Steven Humphrey’s Olive Garden; Wm. Steven Humphrey’s Les Schwab Tire Center; Wm. Steven Humphrey’s WinCo; Wm. Steven Humphrey’s Willamette Week; Wm. Steven Humphrey’s Lloyd Center Mall; Wm. Steven Humphrey’s Hormel Chili (with Beans); or Wm. Steven Humphrey’s Michael Jordan’s Steakhouse.

Oh! And unlike snooty Michael Jordan, I won’t be too picky about the businesses I endorse. Examples: Wm. Steven Humphrey’s Dave’s Killer Bread; Wm. Steven Humphrey’s Portland Public School System; Wm. Steven Humphrey’s Kooks Burritos; Wm. Steven Humphrey’s chlamydia; or Wm. Steven Humphrey’s Office of Mayor Ted Wheeler.

As you can clearly see, adding the Wm. Steven Humphrey brand to your brand can increase your business’ popularity by up to 32 percent (wow!)—and for a limited time you can have non-exclusive use of my marginally good name for the low, low price of only $63.97 per month for 104 months. Hey, that’s a real bargain! SO ACT NOW.

Yer pal,
Wm. Steven Humphrey’s
Wm. Steven Humphrey
Portland Mercury

P.S. Oh, and if you’re wondering why this paper hasn’t been renamed Wm. Steven Humphrey’s Portland Mercury, it’s because my business partners said, “Hahaha NO.” I was even gonna give them a bro deal!