cover art by Meg Nanna / back cover art by Michelle Mruk / Dogge by damedeeso / getty images

Late last month, Haley Adams—who pals around with alt-right dum-dums Patriot Prayer, and fancies herself a men’s rights activist (eyeroll)—tweeted that she was very interested in establishing her own newspaper, “so that for the first time, PDX can have a press publication that isn’t vehemently slanted in favor of the militant fascist left.” (I’ll admit that the Mercury prefers the “militant fascist left,” but mostly because they have the best snacks.)

Well, as someone who’s been cranking out militant leftist newspapers for a quarter of his life, here’s my advice for Haley:

DO IT! DO IT! DOOOOOO IIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!

I love, love, love this idea, and agree that Portland desperately needs a newspaper that directly appeals to angry Under Armour-wearing white dudes who hate bicycles, homeless people, gun legislation, and women who refuse to fuck men with severe personality disorders. Why isn’t there a forum for these sad, underrepresented snowflakes to voice their regressive, backward opinions? (Besides in the Oregon Live comments?)

That’s why Haley should DO IT! DO IT! DOOOOOO IIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!

In fact, to show my support for this project, I’m willing to share the vast entirety of my newspaper-making knowledge to help make Haley’s dream a reality.

So, HERE’S HOW YOU MAKE A NEWSPAPER: First, find $9 million. That should keep you afloat for the first three years. Now I agree, that's a lot of money! But remember, you'll need an office, as well as employees who require annoying things like insurance and a regular paycheck. They'll also claim to "need" computers, paper, color printer ink, notepads, pens, highlighters, Post-it notes, an endless supply of coffee (regular, decaf, half-caf) and snacks (regular, gluten-free, vegan), a poster of either a kitten or Drake, desk lamps, staplers, telephones, and stand-up desks that they'll abandon after two weeks because "it hurts my back."

But wait! That’s not all! Get ready to hand over your ass, because you’ll also be paying for printing costs, distribution, newspaper boxes, website hosting, payroll services, postage, freelance writing/art/photography, random lawsuits (yours will be of the sexual harassment variety), and employee morale-building events that always seem to lower morale by at least 38 percent. Soooooo... yeah! First of all, find $9 million. Actually, make it $12 million, just to be safe.

DO IT! DO IT! DOOOOOO IIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!

Next, hire a great sales staff (you won’t find one better than the Mercury’s, but good luck), a crackerjack art director (maybe that Pepe the Frog guy?), and to write your articles, a bunch of opinionated buttholes (of which you seem to have an endless supply). And... BAM! You have a newspaper that will accurately represent the viewpoints of a handful of sexless ignoramuses who are still going to be laughed at and ultimately ignored by everyone else. But by all means, raise your $9 million ($12 million to be safe), and DO IT! DO IT! DOOOOOOO IIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!

Yer pal in the newspaper business,
Wm. Steven Humphrey
Editor-in-Chief
Portland Mercury