It has come to my attention that most of you don't know me very well. This is disturbing on many levels, primarily because I feel like I'm someone you should know and, more importantly, should want to know. I'll forgo the lecture on how your willful ignorance of all things "Wm. Steven Humphrey" is yet another symptom of the decaying intellectual fiber of America—because while you may not know much about me, you certainly know that.
But after writing that last sentence I said to myself, "Waitasecond, me. What have you—the Wm. Steven Humphrey currently writing this sentence—done to educate the general public about Wm. Steven Humphrey?" Once again, I'm absolutely right. While I often write about myself in general terms—obsessing over Ariana Grande, educating people about the zipper merge, and shitting on dumb Republicans—I have yet to really put myself out there. AND THAT AIN’T RIGHT. I want you to know and experience the real me... the juicy, Fanta-flavored marrow that courses through my bones, and the fleshy, ripe fruits that make up my internal organs. I want you to know my hopes and fears, not just how many Ariana Grande T-shirts I have in my collection (37).
So how do we accomplish this? I could take you all out to coffee—but inexplicably there are very few Memorial Coliseum-sized coffee joints in this city. I'm certainly not going to answer your questions on Facebook, BECAUSE FUCK FACEBOOK IN THE FACE!! You could slide into my DMs, but because I never check my DMs, you'd languish in there and eventually starve to death, and the next people who try to slide into my DMs would trip over your dusty skeleton.
So why not email me your question? Seriously. You can ask me anything, and I'll pick the best questions and answer them in an upcoming column! Can't think of any questions? Here are a few things I've been wondering about myself: 1) Have you ever murdered anyone on accident? 2) If you could murder three people in America and totally get away with it, who would they be? 3) Have you ever murdered anyone on purpose?
However, you might have questions that are not based on murder. You might wonder: 1) What would you do if you were ever fired from the Mercury (a distinct possibility if this column gets published)? 2) If you could fire three people in America and totally get away with it, who would they be? 3) Is there a god? And if so, should he/she be fired?
Or you might just have some general questions about how the Mercury works, how we make our money, how we find our writers, why I think I’m qualified to do this job in the first place... stuff like that! If your question is chosen for a future article, I promise the answer will be honest and funny, or if the answer’s too depressing, just honest. So come on! I know you’re curious about me! Send any and all questions (funny or serious) to firstname.lastname@example.org, and put “I Want to KNOW You, Wm. Steven Humphrey!” in the subject line.
Stop this country's downward spiral into ignorance! Get to know Wm. Steven Humphrey, and make America know about Wm. Steven Humphrey again!!
Wm. Steven Humphrey