Get ready for a shock: I don’t normally win awards. In fact, I’ve only won four awards in my lifetime, and they are as follows... Award One: second place, sixth grade spelling bee. Award two: second place, state track meet (for pole vaulting, of all things). Award three: second place, Reno Armwrestling Championships, amateur men’s 155-165 lbs. division. (Full disclosure: There were only two people in my division.)

So... yeah... I don’t win a lot of awards, and when I do, I’m exclusively recognized as second best. BUT WAIT! “What was the fourth award?” you naturally ask. Get ready to shit your pants, because what I’m about to say is absolutely true: I was recently awarded a 2019 Spirit of Portland Award by the city of Portland!

WHAAAAAT THAAAA FAAAAAAACK???

Guys, swear to god it’s true. Check the Google if you don’t believe it. And trust me when I say, NO ONE was more surprised than me. At first, I was like, “Wait... I’m getting some kind of ‘boat award’?” (The “Spirit of Portland” has nothing to do with the “Portland Spirit”where rich people tool around the Willamette getting drunk and vomiting over the side.) Then I was like, “Waitasecond... this is bull-fucking-shit. I’m getting Ashton Kutcher Punk’d!” But I triple-checked, and as it turned out, this was not an insanely complex grift created in 1985 for the sole purpose of making me look like an idiot (which I accomplish on my own and handily every day). IT WAS REAL, FAM. I know because the actual award is hanging on my wall! I’M LOOKING AT IT RIGHT NOW!

So your next logical question is, “Okay, yeah, but... why Wm. Steven Humphrey?” Well, according to the Spirit of Portland website, these awards recognize “activists, community advocates, and a wide range of committed individuals who serve to advance the Portland community.” (They left out “and/or spend 20 years writing ass and monkey jokes.”) Then I found out I was nominated by Commissioner Amanda Fritz who wanted to give a shout out to local media (like the Merc and the also cool OPB news department) who work our buttz off to make sure you’re informed and entertained—even while certain presidents and his moronic followers crap all over us.

It’s a good reminder that all of us—including media people and thoughtful civil servants like Commissioner Fritz—are doing the best we can. And if you’re not doing the best you can, START DOING THE BEST YOU CAN ALREADY! (Maybe you’ll get an award too.)

So! Now you’re thinking, “Oh great. Now that Humpy’s won an award, he’s gonna walk around like his farts smell like lemon drops.” NOT SO TRUE! While my farts do occasionally smell like lemon drops... because I eat a lot of lemon drops... I will forever remain humbled by one thing: my teenage daughter. Here’s an ACTUAL, ABSOLUTELY TRUE exchange I had with her after receiving my award:

Me: Hey, teenage daughter! The city just gave me a “Spirit of Portland” award!

Teenage daughter: Wow, that’s so great, dad! I’m really proud of you! You’re like “Portland-famous!”

Me: [Blush]

Teenage daughter: By the way, I just made a TikTok video that has 5 million views and 1.2 million likes. I guess that makes me “world-famous.”

Sigh. Like and share this column, please.

Yer eternally humble pal,
Wm. Steven Humphrey
Editor in Chief
Portland Mercury