From Fox 12 & UPN 49

14975 NW Greenbrier

Warning: Dan's not a doctor! He's a graphic designer for TV. But the camera adds 10 pounds, and when it comes to losing weight, Dan knows his stuff! (However, follow his advice at your own risk.)

- High Colonic: "The average American colon holds approximately 5 lbs. of putrid red meat, plus another 5-10 lbs. of impacted waste. Pumping hot water up your butt is a practically guaranteed 15-20 lbs. lost."

- Dr. Phil's Weight Loss Challenge: "This plan will starve you and feed Dr. Phil's wallet."

- Bee Pollen & Yogurt: "Popular with waif models and ballerinas. It's the dietary equivalent of hemorrhoid cream on your eye bags."

- The Caveman Plan: "This fusion of the Atkins diet and macrobiotic theory consists of a high-protein, low-carb diet that doesn't exclude nuts, twigs, and berries. Effective only if you are a carnivorous hippie or Neanderthal."

- Dyna-Flex PowerBall: "This gyroscopic reservoir of magical powers will strengthen your Popeye muscle as well as generate harmony among your chakras."

Blythe Freeman

From the Virginia Café

725 SW Park

Though dimly lit, the Virginia seems like a cozy spot to curl up and read while sippin' somethin'. Next time you want to ruin your eyesight, consider some of Blythe's fave reads:

- I Know This Much Is True by Wally Lamb: "About these two Italian twin brothers, and one of them is schizophrenic. It's a great story about their lives and relationship."

- Vanity Fair magazine: "They do really great movie and book reviews."

- Ad Busters magazine: "It's a great look into the media, and I like the way they make fun of it."

- Bizarre magazine: "They had a picture of a severed head one time."

- A Little Princess by Frances Hodgson Burnett: "My favorite as a child. I like rags to riches stories in reverse."