Billy, an expert in all things leather, pleather and strapped to your feet, occasionally catches a glimpse of a fashion choice gone terribly wrong. Don't worry though, he's not judging, he's just trying to help the less fashion literate with these kind words of advice. Go Billy!

- Don't wear clothes with cartoon characters on them: "If you're an adult, you look insane."

- Don't be a mandle-man: "You should not wear sandles with anything other than shorts... in summer."

- Don't carry bad fake designer bags: "Ugh, like those terrible XOXO candy-colored ones."

- Don't dress too casual: "Casual Friday does not mean pajama day."

- Don't wear too-big sweaters. "I see tons of people wearing giant striped J-Crew rollneck sweaters that are three sizes too big. You just look frumpy."

Alex
from Harputs Shoes
139 NW 2nd

Need a new pair of wheels? Alex will gladly hook you up with any snazzy sneaker you can think of (oh, Puma Anjan, I love you!) while impressing you with his intense style savvy.

- Do wear one, two, or three-tone bold stripes: "Try shirts, scarves, sweaters, whatever."

- Do wear clothes that fit: "God gave everyone a different body. Don't try to squeeze into the size 2 if you're a 6. You end up looking like you have Play-Dough oozing out the sides of your clothes."

- Do be original: "The 'vintage' look is played. Different is good; mix and match."

- Do exercise subtlety: "No one wants to look like the circus just came to town."

- Do wear bright colors: "Portland is drab as it is. There's no need to accentuate the melancholy. J. Crew is the shit for brights." (Uh-oh, Don't tell Billy!)