Allie Smith
Aspiring Writer

Allie's novels will be on the NY Times bestseller list someday, but for now let's savor her advice on what to eat when you anticipate having a few dozen too many drinks at your next holiday party, therefore tasting your meal twice:

• DO eat Whole Foods Indian food: "No burning, just that nice spice flavor."

• DO eat soy milk brownies: "Cookies are just plain barf. Brownies come up smoothly." 

• DO eat Paradox macaroni and cheese: "All I can say is nutritional yeast is magic." 

• DON'T eat tots/fries: "Starches are yummy going down, but the white devil coming back up."

• DON'T eat pizza: "Gastric armageddon. The more toppings, the more confused you are as to why you have ever eaten."

Mike McKinnon
From Wet Confetti
www.wetconfetti.com

Unfortunately, hardworking musicians don't get a government subsidy to prevent them from working customer service industry jobs. Until they do, Mike has words of wisdom for working an industry gig until your big break:

• Wash these body parts daily: "Always wash your chode and your pits. No matter who you are or what you do, these stink."

• Never pretend to be the boss: "Never say 'I'm the manager.' This is taking on way too much responsibility. Just say, 'They're in the bathroom, feel free to knock on the door.'"

• Don't make faces: "As hard as it is, don't roll your eyes. If you do, say you have a lazy eye."

• Be careful who's around: "If the bathroom is near your workspace, be careful when you comment on the poo scent."

• Don't scowl at bad tips: "When somebody gives you two cents for a tip (true story) say, 'God bless you and your family. Do you have plans for the holidays? I'll be roasting a stick of gum.'"