After coming home a little drunk from the Thermals show last night, I flicked on the TV and caught this horseshit. It may have been the booze, but it made me literally angry. The dude's name is Mishka, and he's on j.k. livin' Records—the record label started by Matthew McConaughey. (The "j.k" stands for "just keep." As in, just keep livin', bra.)

Watch the video above. It's unbelievably bad. It's everything gone wrong with music in one compact tidy little package. It'll make your blood turn cold. It'll demolish whatever lingering fond thoughts you may still be carrying of Bob Marley, and make you want to beat up the next white idiot with dreadlocks you see.

After the jump, read some choice quotes from his bullshitty bio, which as the opening sentence makes clear, has an almost cinematic sweep.

Mishka’s biography has an almost cinematic sweep. He spent most of his early life on a boat in the Caribbean, sailing from island to island with his seafaring parents and older sisters. A child of the islands, it was almost inevitable that he’d be drawn to reggae, Rastafari, and the natural mystic that inhabits his music and his soul.

“We sailed all over the Atlantic and Caribbean” Mishka recalls. “We visited Brazil, all the Caribbean islands, even made a cross-Atlantic trip to Portugal and England.” Mishka and his sisters were home schooled until they went to boarding school for their higher education. “Learning how to read maps and chart a course was my math and geography class, going ashore in different countries and talking to people about their culture was my history class, reading books on board was my literary education, picking up French and Portuguese in the ports we visited was my language school.”

Hmm. He obviously never learned English worth a damn, as a quick glance at the trite, downright stupid lyrics of "Higher Heights" make clear:
People pee-yower, the hour is at hand,
When we must come together yeah rise up and take a stand...
Ay-yi-yi-yi-iiii. Ay-yi-yi-yi-yoooo...
Acquisition of material things won't satisfy your soul
Only Jah love is everlasting who never leaves us in the cold
But it's a shame to see Mother Earth and her children being bought and sold
Some of them say things have changed when they remain the same as in the days of those pirates of old
How good and how pleasant it is when we dwell in unity and love
It's as precious as the rains as the dew from the mountains above
I would fly to the hills and be at rest if I had the wings of a dove
But since I have no wings I-ya hear the voice of man's supplication
So no, Mishka does not possess wings, but who needs wings when his writer's pen can manage the glorious trick of rhyming "dove" with "supplication?"

More bullshitty bio:

Mishka’s varied musical interests are evident on Above the Bones but his vocals may be the most captivating element of the album. His striking tenor is mellow and intense with a bluesy quality that gives every word an aching intensity. It’s a timeless voice, the familiar sound of a friend you’ve always known but never met.

“Higher Heights” opens the album with a roots reggae vibe. It’s a song of empowerment and encouragement to people who want to see more love and unity in the world, an invitation to let our better nature shine and heal the troubled world we live in... Mishka’s vocal is full of sweet soulful fire.

The album started as an independent project produced by Mishka and Guitarist Darryl Thompson but was finished with the creative assistance of Matthew McConaughey. “Matthew (McConaughey) has a good ear for picking out the best elements of a song and really brought his positive energy and enthusiasm to the studio.”

With an album that fully realizes his multifaceted musical vision, Mishka and his band will take to the road, sharing his positive vibrations and his global musical vision with fans old and new.

I don't think I'm overstating anything when I say that this music is so unbelievably bad, and so latently racist, that it encroaches on the territory of "evil." As in, it makes the world a worse place. I'm also pretty certain that if you are a Mishka fan, you and I will probably never be friends.

I have a friend who lost a bet with me, and as punishment now has to attend—my choice—an entire show, start to finish, by himself. The idea is to send him to the worst show possible. I was thinking about sending him to the Pennywise/Pepper nonsense at the Roseland, or the "40 Oz. to Freedom" Sublime tribute band that's playing at Lola's Room, but you can now be sure I'll be scanning Mishka's tour dates for a Portland appearance.