Arnocorps are playing tonight in Portland. You should go. From this week's paper:

THOR, ARNOCORPS, DAGOBAH
(Dante's, 1 SW 3rd) Remember in Predator when Arnold busts into that guerrilla camp and blows the ever-loving shit out of everything and then stabs that one guy in the stomach with a giant knife, and the knife goes through the guy and into the pole behind him, and the dude's all impaled, and Arnold is all "Stick around"? Okay, so: Picture every great philosopher—Kant, Plato, Hegel, Sartre, Yoda. All of them are that dude with the knife in his gut. Now picture Arnocorps. They are Arnold. And their message—one of nonstop, epic action-adventure—is the greatest philosophy ever devised. In songs like "Total Recall" ("Get your ass/get your ass to Mars!"), "Terminator" ("I'm a friend of Sera Könner/I was told that she is here!/Can I see her please?/Fuck you asshole!"), and "Collateral Damage" ("I'll bite off his ear, then I'll spit it out/The strength of Arno, that's what it's about!"), Arnocorps utilize their intense, thrashy, pop-metal-punk as if it were a weapon, and their bullets are beautiful, exhilarating tales of heroic heroism. Arnocorps will transform you. Arnocorps will make you manly. Arnocorps will save you. ERIK HENRIKSEN

And here:

LISTEN:

Arnocorps - "Total Recall"

Still not convinced? After the jump, behold my email exchange Arnocorps' singer, Holzfeuer... an email exchange that was originally intended merely to obtain some music. But then it turned into so much more....

Hey ArnoCorps—

Erik Henriksen here, film editor at the Portland Mercury in Portland, Oregon. You contacted our pussy music editor about the show you'll be playing here on August 19. [Note: Said contact consisted of Holzfeuer shouting in an Austrian accent at Mercury Music Editor Ezra Ace Caraeff's voicemail.] Since the aforementioned music editor doesn't know shit about either awesome music or Arnold, I'm taking the reins on this one, and I'd love to write up a brief preview of the show for the paper. Can you send me a CD (or MP3s of the CD's tracks, if that's easier/faster) ASAP? Address below.

Thanks!

—Erik

A response came moments later.

Come on Erik! What the hell is going on, come on! Ha ha! I knew there would be a ballsy goddamn hero among you! ERIK HENRIKSEN! GO!!!!! Let me tell you, my fantastic bass player Karl Dichtschnur, who has recently rejoined the band after being thought dead 11 years ago in a terrible plane crash, dropped off a CD at the Mercury a couple weeks ago. I'm in San Frantastic and he's in Vancouver BC, now, so I'll send you some ballsy MP3s, no problemo! Somebody there has our press pack, though!

I'll get our entire Ballsy EP uploaded on our server for you. Can you accept a 2.5 MB attachment, as well? I'd love to send you the booklet "Becoming a goddamn hero" which comes with our new EP! I has many fantastic advices for the people, let me tell you!

Also, here's the low-res poster for the heroic event attached!!!

Thanks Erik!

—Holzfeuer

Holzfeuer!

Go ahead and send that 2.5 MB attachment! What kind of sissy email program do you think I have running here? C'mon! IT CAN HANDLE IT! (I think.)

Lemme know where to go once you have those MP3s uploaded. Sorry we seem to have lost the press pack that was dropped off here; I blame the aforementioned pussy music editor. That dude sucks.

Thanks!

—Erik

BALLSY! What's going on with all these low forehead music editors these days? They're all a bunch of choir boys! They need to learn what is best in life!!!!!

Interior of the lyric booklet attached. If you open in acrobat, zoom to 300% for the full effect, right there! Be sure to read the advices under each illustration. You can also use this to read along while listening to the EP! FANTASTIC!

Here's a sample of a panel from the booklet.

Then came the MP3s. They were accompanied by a promise.

Okay, Erik. I want you to first measure your biceps before listening to this EP. You can expect at least 1 inch diameter increase! I've attached the front and back covers, just to get you immersed in the whole action adventure lifestyle that is yours for the taking!

Download zipped file of entire EP! GO!!!!

Would you like a copy of our 2005 release The Greatest Band Of All Time as well? It features our classic hits "Total Recall," "Predator," "Commando," "True Lies," "Eraser," "Last Action Hero," and more!

Awesome! If it's not too much trouble, yeah, a copy of The Greatest Band of All Time would be great, too. If The Ballsy EP is gonna add an inch to my biceps, I don't even want to know what a full-length album will do to them. Something fucking amazing, I assume.

Thanks again—

—Erik

Erik, you're right. The full length will change your life in so many ways. It contains answers to not only life's mysteries, but also the riddle of steel. You'll be able to perform mind blowing stunts, winning the affection of only the most sheroic women, such as cracking walnuts with your newly hardened ass. It's fantastic!!! Finally these tales are heard the way they were meant to be told, through music! So many people don't even realize that these are ancient Austrian tales that have been exploited in Hollywood!

GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then Holzfeuer added:

Here's the album cover of our 2005 release, featuring our heads carved from the Austrian Alps. The only way to see this glorious monument in person is via chopper, but it is a very dangerous journey.

Song listing:
1. Arno Intro
2. Predator
3. True Lies
4. Total Recall
5. Commando
6. Collateral Damage
7. End Of Days
8. Sixth Day
9. Running Man
10. Raw Deal
11. Eraser
12. Crom (Strong On His Mountain)
13. Wheel Of Pain
14. Terminator
15. Last Action Hero

I await a status report! I want to hear about carrying logs on your shoulder, getting to choppers, rescuing people, crushing your enemies, seeing them driven before and all these kinds of fantastic things! Come on!

The cover in question:

I responded a day or two later, after the album had been listened to several times.

Just FYI, I didn't lift a log over my shoulders today. I LIFTED A WHOLE GODDAMN LOG CABIN.

Thank you, Arnocorps.

HOLZFEUER. Do you mind if I run these email exchanges we've been having on the Mercury's blog?

—Erik

This is so goddamn fantastic, hearing about your muscular improvements, heroic accomplishments, all these kinds of things! Yes, running these on the blog would be ballsy. Anything to help get the word out! Erik, you are such a goddamn hero!!!!!!!! Did I mention you're on the guest list! Come on! I'm here! DO IT NOW!

—Holzfeuer

The moral of this epic story is that you should go to Arnocorps. They're playing tonight at Dante's (1 SW 3rd), with Thor and Dagobah. $10.