A week from today, a dark cloud will settle over Portland. Two of the worst bands on the planet—and I say this as a fan of some truly terrible music—will pull into town and soil our precious city on both sides of the river. Lock up your kids and loved ones, it's gonna be a rough night.

Brokencyde and Attack Attack! will both be playing separate shows in town on Monday the 17th. Brokencyde, the emo crunksters from "Albucrunky," will be at the Satyricon, while bible-thumping "crabcore" act Attack Attack! will be at the Hawthorne Theatre. Our dilemma is deciding which show to attend.

The argument for Attack Attack!:
An absolutely baffling trainwreck of screech-by-numbers screamo, alongside totally out-of-place piano solos, and techno beats. Plus, their "crabcore" stage moves resemble a sort of forceful tea bagging. If you can make it through this video, I should pay you money.

The argument for Brokencyde:
Rich little pricks that desecrate both hiphop and emo in a single song, which is oddly impressive when you think of it. Although, someone really should inform them that it's never cool for a bunch of white kids to drop the n-word. EVER. Toss in some horrendous misogyny ("Come on bitch, you know you want this"), and haircuts that practically invite my fist to their face, and you might have the worst musical act ever. If you can make it through this video, you are the greatest person on earth.

Done gouging out your eyes? Cool. So, which show should we attend? We're totally free that night, so we'll let you plan our evening.