Airbrush much?
  • Airbrush much?

Before we move on to the future, or even the present, there's something I've got to do.

Around Christmas time, I wrote about Brad Paisley's horrible music cracking a few year end lists. A comment came in that blew my mind. The most offensive portion:

I'm as much of a hipster as you are, believe me ... my top 5 of the year includes Japandroids, The Very Best, Dino Jr, etc. But my top 10 also includes that Paisley record, which is as good as just about anything else released in 2009, and certainly not "vapid." I've heard every Portland band you guys cover, and many of them released great records this year. None, however, released one as good as "American Saturday Night."

Excuse me? Is your head full of rancid mayonnaise? I don't like lists much, but that was without a doubt the dumbest fucking comment posted on this blog during the entire year of 2009. Probably ever. Again:

I've heard every Portland band you guys cover, and many of them released great records this year. None, however, released one as good as "American Saturday Night."

Take that Nurses, who topped the paper's Best Album survey. Take that Hunches (whose Exit Dreams is still criminally under-heard). Take that Yacht, tUnE-YaRdS, and the rest of ya'—A guitar-wanking corporate country shill, who writes songs about Facebook is better than you. And, as the commenter would have you believe, Paisley's "American Saturday Night" is not at all "vapid," as I described it.

Now listen, I know the rule: respond to trolls and they win. And I've also tried—and gotten somewhat better at—respecting the differences between personal taste, even when I'm dumbfounded. But this post about Paisley was so asinine the only proper course, as I see it, is this semi-public lashing.

So around Christmas time I began thumbing through the album looking for lyrics and moments on "American Saturday Night" that could not be mistaken for anything but vapid. It wasn't hard. Just speeding through the songs gave me more than I could handle. As I was compiling notes, I got wind of Vic Chesnutt's passing, and had to switch gears. But the idiocy has stayed with me, and I had the notes. So might as well pass them on in their original, gonzo form (there's no point wasting any more time with it). Behold Brad Paisley, who is certifiably vapid. Random song lyrics, etc:

"now you're my whole life / now your my whole world / i just can't belive / the way i feel about you girl"

"i was on a video chat this mornin / with a company in tokyo"

guitar solo, then violin solo. that's new.

another solo for solo's sake... feeling?

"i went to see 'father of the bride' with a girl back home / we broke up before the sequel / so i went to that one all alone"

"and then the doctor pointed to the corner of the screen / and he said you know what that means"

"You Do The Math"
"with seven billion people in this world / i can't believe you're still a single girl"
"it takes two to make love baby / i'm sure that / i'm one / you're one / you do the math"

"Catch all the fish"
i picked up the boys and we were on our way / it'd hadn't been 10 minutes before jimmy's cell phone rang / his old lady asked him how long we'd be on the lake / i said you tell her we're stayin' here however long it takes"

"Gonna catch all the fish / gonna drink all the beer
better warn 'em now / better make it clear
might take all day / might take all year
gonna catch all the fish / gonna drink all the beer"

Let's give "Catch All The Fish" a listen, shall we?

In short: Being recognized for having the Best Album in New Country is like calling McDonald's healthy for serving salad.