Last night, as you watched all nine of your menorah candles burn down in a blaze of glory, I bet you took pride in your Jewish heritage as you recalled the great story of Hanukkah. Err... actually... what is the story of Hanukkah? You probably don't know, because you've been too busy going to the bank everyday to cash those eight ten-dollar checks from your grandparents and you refuse to read anything written by the Hebrews for fear of indulging their wannabe avant-garde literary gimmicks; I mean, who the fuck writes a book backwards?

Also, popular Hanukkah songs, as sparse as they may be, are as uninformative as they are unlistenable. You wouldn't dare subject your ears to anything performed by 2 Live Jews, or even consider pressing play here (why, Matisyahu? WHY?) or here (Neil Diamond cartoon singing along to an animated version of Adam Sandler's wretched song? Kill me).

Well, my dear Meshugganahs, so you are good and prepared for next year's festivities, here is the most comprehensive (and vaguely entertaining) explanation of Hanukkah that I've found to date. I'm truly sorry that it's performed by an all-Jewish men's A Capella group and rendered to the tune of Taio's "Dynamite." IT'S THE BEST I CAN DO.

Perhaps we can pray for a break in tradition and a better musical selection for HNUKKH 2011 (it's not happening). Until then, eight minutes of breakdancing rabbis, please!