finally, ian. i usually read your column because you come off as so sophomorically out of touch and it's charming. but, finally, you've touched on something that is unbiasedly true, drives me insane as well, and has totally fucked up the ordering of a blt pretty much everywhere. these idiotic bacon fetishists need to be stopped...and they're fucking everywhere.

Bacon is the new Ugg boots.

Mmmmm... Ugg boots.

Stroganoff is funnier than bacon, and it's even Kosher.

I love bacon the food. I hate bacon the cultural phenomenon.

Next week on Everything As Fuck: unicorns. Why aren't they called uniHORNS? Do they eat corn or something? Do wizard/farmers (that's right, they're wizards AND farmers, that could be the basis for the best/worst Rush album yet) in rural Mythologyzistan yell out "MAW, THE UNICORNS ARE IN THE MAGIC CORNFIELD AGAIN!!!"? Do unicorns eat bacon? Do they listen to Korn? I could write an entire column about Korn if you'd like. Would you like? No? THEN WORK WITH ME ON THIS UNICORN THING, OKCUPID??!?

So if you ate a rasher of unicorn bacon, would you break out in a rash of mythical proportions?

Sorry to disappoint you, ^^DDWH, but beef stroganoff contains both beef and sour cream, making it treif.

Can't wait for Wendy's to introduce the Stroganoffanator: three quarter pound patties, caramelized onions, swiss cheese, with a greasy scoop of hot stroganoff in between every one. Oh yeah.

This so fucking needs to be said. Bacon has gotten too damn smug, and bacon aficionados have gotten too damn proud of it. I can't enjoy a couple-three strips of bacon anymore, I've got to kow-tow submissively and then build a three-bedroom home out of it and then maybe, just maybe, I get to eat it.

Look, I get it. Bacon's tasty. But I tried that Bacon Explosion … you know, that one where they take sausage, crumble up bacon, wrap it in bacon and more sausage and more bacon, and then dare you to eat it? Now, you'd think a haggis with all the yecch out and nothing but bacon and fried seasoned pig in it would be heaven. But no, well, unless you mean in the way that this might send you to meet Jeebus much quicker than you thought you would, even WITH your desultory eating habits to date.

I mean, I took one bite of that monstrosity and my tongue actually jumped out of my mouth, looked at me and screamed IF YOU EVER SO MUCH AS LICK ONE OF THOSE THINGS AGAIN I WILL JUMP OUT OF YOUR MOUTH WRAP MYSELF AROUND YOUR THROAT AND SQUEEZE UNTIL YOU STOP BREATHING.

Enough with the bacon already.

Classic Beef Stroganoff

A KosherEye Signature Recipe

Ingredients:

2 lbs thinly sliced chuck or London Broil (2” long, ¼ “ wide strips)
4 Tablespoons canola oil
2 thinly sliced onions
1 lb sliced mushrooms
2 Tablespoons margarine
4 tablespoons flour
12 ounces beef stock (such as Manischewitz), warmed
12 ounces MimicCreme
2 teaspoons mustard
2 Tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
2 Tablespoons fresh thyme
2 Tablespoons fresh parsley
1 pound cooked medium or wide egg noodles

Directions:

Heat large non-stick pan, add canola oil and quickly sear meat on all sides, for about a minute. Remove to a bowl.

Add margarine. Add minced garlic — simmer until fragrant — remove.

Sauté onions and mushrooms; simmer until onions are golden. Whisk in flour, and simmer, stirring constantly.

Separately, blend together broth, Worcestershire, mustard, and MimicCreme. Add liquid mixture to pan, including any meat juices, and simmer, without boiling, until sauce thickens; about 5 minutes.

Return meat and garlic to sauce and heat, without boiling, until meat is cooked through. Season to taste with salt and pepper; stir in thyme and parsley and spoon over hot noodles.


http://www.koshereye.com/meat/177-classic-…

I would substituent extra virgin olive oil, butter, and brown mustard.

http://oukosher.org/blog/consumer-kosher/e…

http://rabbikaganoff.com/wp-content/upload…

http://store.mustardmuseum.com/product/100…

I feel this way about beer, specifically IPA.
It's no longer geeky, trendy or artisanal.
It is ubiquitous.

Mushrooms are part of what keep stroganoff from achieving internet fame, although if mac and cheese couldn't get internet celebrity nailed down then what chance does a perfect shroom-free stroganoff have?

I read this column this morning, then opened Twitter, and LITERALLY the first thing I saw was this: http://www.motherjones.com/blue-marble/201…. I'm not going to read it because I'm a vegetarian and couldn't care less about bacon's magic properties. It was just an amazingly apt illustration of your first point.