Ryan Alexander-Tanner

'Allo, 'allo!

Sorry, how rude of me. 'Allo, 'allo is how they say hello in England, which is where I am right now. I'm overseas. Across the pond. On the other side of the Atlantic. Bloked out from the throat out. Union Jacking off. Brentered. Johnny Englished. Hugh Granted access. Stadium UKadium. Glastonburied alive. Trigger fingers turned to Britter fingers. Playing a blistering eight-minute solo on the Anglo-Saxophone. Parliamentary proceeding.

I'm in England. It's my first time EXITING THE EXALTED CONTINENT OF NORTH AMERICA, and I have to say, I'm having a heckuva helluva fun time over here. In fact, I'm furious that I have to take time away from eating blood pudding and saying "innit" to even write this column, but I love you, as more than just a friend even, so I'm writing it anyway.

I have to say, it's different as fuck over here (I went to college!). It's different as fuck as fuck. I really thought it'd be more similar to the United States since the UK is our OG, but I have been surprised. The UK is our mother country, technically, but it's a cold, distant mother who smokes long cigarettes with her thin lips. Here, presented in handy list form, are some of the most startling facts about England that I've learned since I arrived here.

• The queen isn't even a real person, she's just a piñata full of Cadbury chocolates. That's why she has so many guards.

• The guards' hats are also full of Cadbury chocolates.

• Everyone here knows who Banksy is. It's not even a secret, but none of them will tell me because they're fucking pricks. I think I overheard someone say his name was Dale or something? They were whispering.

• Much like in the United States, they have police cars, fire trucks, and ambulances, but the sirens sound totally different. They're just very loud recordings of Michael Caine saying, "Master Bruce."

• In addition to police, fire departments, and ambulances, you can also call a number and have James Bond dispatched to your house. You just dial 911 and say "Something's afoot!" and bam, James Bond.

• Harry Potter is based on a real boy, but he's all grown up now and owns an air conditioning repair service. It's fucking depressing and honestly, it ruins the books for me.

• They call trucks "lorries" and they call Lauries "Deborah."

• Because it's illegal to own a gun, everyone walks around with gigantic fucking swords.

• Barack Obama isn't president here.

• Nobody thinks my "Back-to-Back World War Champs" T-shirt is funny, and I've been scowled at for wearing it.

• Owls can vote, but they don't, because they're all felons.