The following is an excerpt from Ian Karmelās forthcoming book, Hillary and Hitler Both Start With the Letter H and If You Think Thatās a Coincidence, Youāre a Fucking Moron and Actually Iām Not Even Mad at You. Actually, I Just Pity You. Seriously, I Do. On Friday Nights Me and My Friends Sit Around and Feel Sympathy for You Because Youāre Such a Fucking Idiot. Make America Great Again. Oh, and Just in Case You Were Wondering, the Hillary from Earlier Refers to Hillary Clinton, Not Some Other Hillary, Like the Older Sister From The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air or Two-Time Academy Award Winner Hillary Swank, Though Sheās on My Shitlist For That Boys Donāt Cry Movie. What the Hell Was That About, Hillary Swank? Am I Supposed to Want to Plow You or Not? Or Is That All Part of Your Sick Liberal Game? Huh? Is That What Gets You Off, Swank? Tricking Hardworking, Red-Blooded American Men into Wanting to Plow Some Kind of He-She? Despicable and Un-American, Frankly. How Crazy Is It That Hillary Swank Was in The Next Karate Kid Though? If I Time Traveled Back to 1994, Found You, Put a Gun to Your Head and Said, āOkay, Does This Girl End Up Winning Two Academy Awards for Best Actress?ā No Way Are You Saying She Does. I Guess Thatās Hollywood, Though, Huh? What Ever Happened to Hillary Swank, by the Way? It Feels Like She Should Be Working More. Thatās the Curse of the Leading Actress, Though. Always More Talented Women Than Parts to Go Around. Or Maybe Sheās Doing Kind of a Rick Moranis-Type Thing. Like, Itās Her Decision Not to Work. Good For Her, If Thatās the Case, You Know? We Shouldnāt Be Shaming Women If They Just Want to Stay Home and Raise Some Kids! That Should Be an Option, Too! I Guess What Ultimately Worries Me Is That Weāre Losing Touch with the America I Grew Up Loving. Sometimes Iāll Drive Through a Small Town and Iāll Think, āThis Is It, This Is America, This Is What Itās All About, Little Pink Houses, Babyā and It Seems More and More Like That Kind of America Is Vanishing. Hell, Maybe It Never Existed. Maybe Iāve Been Chasing Ghosts My Whole Life. Honestly, I Donāt Know What I Really Believe. I Got All Cranked Up on Gas Station Coffee and Started Writing This Book, but I Donāt Really Hate Hillary Clinton. Not Really. Iām Just Worried About What My Place Will Be in This New America. Iām Just Scared. I Think, Deep Down, Iām Just Not Good Enough to Compete, All Other Things Being Equal. Iām Scared That If You Give a Black Guy, or a Woman, or Whatever, a Frigginā Purple People Eater, Whatever, an Even Playing Field, That Iāll Be Left Out in the Cold. Thatās the Truth. Are You Happy? Are You Happy Now? Iām Actually Gonna Take Off. No, Iām Cool, I Just... Uh... Iām Just Gonna Head Home, available everywhere books are sold, September 13.
ā...Liberalism is a disease!ā