Portland as Fuck - Portland Mercury | Comments

Back to article

Comments

1

Ah. Common sense. :)

Travis Elias Apollonius on November 14, 2012 at 2:41 PM

2

Dammit why didn't i write in Ian Karmel for Mayor?

ambrown on November 14, 2012 at 2:47 PM

3

GET ON ANKENY! ha! thanks...

on November 14, 2012 at 2:47 PM

4

You're missing the most important point - one cyclist isn't every cyclist and one motorist isn't every motorist. Don't drift uncomfortably close to every cyclist just because you saw one run a red light three months ago. Don't ride down the middle of single-lane streets knowing that there are cars behind you in retaliation for the friend of a friend that got hit last year. Remember that there are dumbasses using every mode of transportation and more importantly that not everyone using a particular mode of transportation is a self-entitled asshole.

Or maybe we all are.

Aestro on November 14, 2012 at 3:36 PM

5

Blabby bait.

GeezRilly? on November 14, 2012 at 3:56 PM

6

You know of a good radio station??!!

on November 14, 2012 at 4:34 PM

7

WHAT THE SHITFUCKS ARE BEEF-CASTLE THIGHS? ALSO CYCLISTS AND MOTORISTIZERS ARE BOTH FUCKTARDS, I'M TOTES TAKING THE BOTH LANES WITH MY SEGWAY.

Graham on November 14, 2012 at 4:55 PM

8

Can't I just walk somewhere without getting run over by a bicyclist OR a motorist? :(

on November 14, 2012 at 5:15 PM

9

Beef-castle thighs, dude! Just big, meaty thighs, like castles made of beef. Probably from all the bicycle riding.

Ian Karmel on November 14, 2012 at 5:43 PM

10

@Aestro - Good point, they only give me so many words to work with, but "don't be a self-entitled asshole" is kind of what I was getting at, except it feels better to me to just remind yourself to be a good empathetic person than it does to say "don't be a self-entitled asshole."

Ian Karmel on November 14, 2012 at 5:45 PM

11

You're way off base, Karmel. A poultice would be worse than useless against consumption.

Todd Mecklem on November 14, 2012 at 7:02 PM

12

IME cars don't just creep 6 inches over the stop line. Cars break the law all the time. Rolling right through stops. Here in CA holding a cell phone while operating a motor vehicle is illegal, but you let that slide right cause you do it too? As long as the motor is running you are operating a motor vehicle, its still illegal even if youre at a stop sign. Stop focusing on bikes and focus on the thousands and thousands of motorists breaking the law all the time.

on November 14, 2012 at 7:32 PM

13

Sure thing, DAD. (get a load of this guy ^^^)

Ian Karmel on November 14, 2012 at 7:34 PM

14

Please. I wouldn't be caught dead in a bar frequented by MOTORISTS.

on November 15, 2012 at 8:13 AM

15

@I walk OKAY...I hope so, seriously! It is getting pretty bad. Heed my advice and avoid the following areas to increase your odds: Malls (in general), large parts of Beaverton, the "Pearl" (many reasons for this really), 102nd and Burnside. As far as this alleged "war" between cars and bikes, unfortunately this state gives virtually anyone a liscense, and some cyclists act like fuckbags to protect their "rights". Easy solution; watch out for cyclists, stay out of bike lanes and give right of way where appropriate. You DID read the drivers manual, right? Cyclists: bike defensively, don't be a dickhead and GET ON ANKENY! That was easy.

on November 15, 2012 at 10:01 AM

16

The insipid comments, while Blogtown as Fuck are not on par with the incredible awesomeness of the Mercury's finest addition for some time, Portland as Fuck. Step it up, dickweeds! (not all of you are bad but some of you... jeeebus. just. stop. or... copy and paste from smarter, funnier people. thank you.)

pinehurstkid on November 15, 2012 at 10:57 AM

17

All true but one thing.. if someone pounded on the hood of my (yes I drive one) Subaru, I would probably go into a blind rage, get out of my car and insert the persons helmet into their rear derailleur... if you catch my drift. I paid $20k for my car, I spend many hours maintaining it and keeping the paint looking brand new. I'd rather not have someone punching it because they think I'm too close to them. Don't get me wrong, I'm a cyclist as well but there's no reason unless you're being run down to pound on someones car. Just as I don't get out and pound on someones helmet if they do something wrong. Share the road, it isn't difficult!

Ian Lass on November 15, 2012 at 11:56 AM

18

What I’ve learned about Ian from this article:
Cyclist interrupt Ian’s ability to use his inside voice, and Ian’s held down shift key, might be the very same reason “Caps Lock” was invented! “I very get it.”

Stephonknee Wells Kunz on November 15, 2012 at 2:07 PM

19

You write this as if you are from Jacksonville. Ironically, I grew up for many years in J'Ville. Anyone that knows anything about J'Ville music knows that MOFRO rules, not Zac Brown.

Bicyclists are not the enlightened ones. Not when they play chicken with 3000+ pounds of metal. You can't be enlightened when you end up dead because of stupidity. Even if you were in the right, is being right worth being dead? Same goes for pedestrians that just walk out in front of cars because they have "the right of way". Right may be right, but dead isn't right.

My point - be smart and stay alive.

And by the way, I can attest there are more 4x4 pickups with Confederate flags flying than there are bikes in Jacksonville. Sad, but so true.

cloudyretina on November 16, 2012 at 7:45 AM

20

Now if we could just get those damed skateboarders sorted out...

Randy Kilwag on November 16, 2012 at 8:41 AM

21

Did you really just compare bikes vs. cars to slavery in the intro?

TheOnlySanePersonInTheWorld on November 16, 2012 at 2:44 PM

22

WHAT? The intro is about how Portland shouldn't become Jacksonville, Florida, where are you getting slavery?

Ian Karmel on November 16, 2012 at 4:35 PM

23

that's 'scarcely', not 'slavery'.....looks like someone's hunting for a fight.

(from now on, ian, just to be safe and considerate, use 'barely' or 'hardly'.)

(fucking duh.....that shit is journalism 101, man.....D-up!!)

human in training on November 16, 2012 at 5:39 PM

24

I'm OK with bikes. Most bikers are OK. Some are jerks and they know who they are. I almost killed a jerk not too long ago. I'm out west of Beaverton on a back way home. 55 miles per hour posted and that's how fast I was going. I'm on a back road without a bike lane and no shoulder either. I came up over a rise and low and behold a bicyclist doing 10 miles an hour in the middle of the road. I slammed my brakes hard enough to engage the anti-lock and barely missed him. I honked which of course automaticly brought out the middle finger of the guy I almost killed. I'll tell you this, if there was someone coming from the other direction I would have killed him. Why do bicyclist insist on riding thier bike where they can't get off the road? After all most of them are biking for pleasure/exercise so why not pick roads that have a shoulder or bike lane? Get out of our way. After all we don't drive our cars in their bike lane. There ought to be a law but they tend to ignore those anyway...

LawBydingMotorist on November 16, 2012 at 7:28 PM

25

Oh, hi Ian. It was on the main site, before clicking on the article.
Reads "Ian Karmel solves the bikes vs. car wars. Because he's like Lincoln, or something."

Anyway.

TheOnlySanePersonInTheWorld on November 16, 2012 at 9:10 PM

26

Ohhh! I didn't write that part, but I don't think every Civil War reference needs to be a direct link to slavery... to hell with it, lets just use this opportunity to watch this poorly captured Simpsons clip - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8VCbvMoCV8

Ian Karmel on November 18, 2012 at 9:19 PM

27

"Unlike motorists, they can't summon dinosaur ghosts to reestablish momentum. "

Jesus fuck, that funny is lethal!

disastronaut on November 18, 2012 at 11:11 PM

28

Look if you are only of Pro-Car mentality [meaning you don't embrace and encourage other means of transport on any and all LOCs (lines of communication, "roads")], Then essentially you are Socialist Commie Pig that supports sending Hard earned American dollars to other countries that don't much like us. Or money to huge corporations that could care less about quality of life, are really own concerned with Profit for shareholders.

How can a society force a populace into only one form of transport ? How can you force everyone to conform to driving an auto ? How can a society essentially outlaw transport by your own human power? Most parts of the USA have successfully pulled this off. Does this mean we need to supply everyone an Automobile. Make it right, kind of like a Utility ?

Look I drive a car also, rarely, but I do; it's conveniant and nice. But I sure as hell won't do anything to discourage a cyclist, skateboarder, walker, etc, etc, because , they aren't polluting the kids, ruining the expensive roadways, they can't crash into me and kill me, and as long they can get around that way, I won't have to worry about buying them a car.

on November 19, 2012 at 11:11 AM

29

CLINTON IS RIGHT THERE. IT'S RIGHT THERE. IT'S RIGHT FUCKING THERE. I CAN FUCKING SEE IT. I CAN FUCKING SEE CLINTON. GET ON CLINTON, YOU FUCK.

Vaughn Aldredge on November 19, 2012 at 2:10 PM

30

When do the jokes happen?

on November 19, 2012 at 4:41 PM

31

It's a column, you dumb-fuck. If you want "jokes" come to one of my stand-up shows, I'll put you on the guest list.

Ian Karmel on November 20, 2012 at 12:46 PM

32

SLAVERY!?!?

on November 21, 2012 at 8:07 AM

Editors' Picks

POP QUIZ PDX: Sassy-Ass Questions About the Sexy Sailors of Fleet Week... and More!

POP QUIZ PDX: Adorable Animals, Animal Behavior, and So Many More... ANIMALS! 🐿🐶🐌😸

POP QUIZ PDX: Sketchy NIMBYs, Criminal Figure Skaters, and the Blazers' New Hipster Mascot!

POP QUIZ PDX: Lake Oswego Criminals, TriMet's Drug-Induced Panic, and Choosing Downtown Portland's Amusement Park! 🎢

It's the Mercury's Election Issue (Ranked #1 in Portland)!

POP QUIZ PDX: Gus Van Sant, Blimps, and That Turd Joey Gibson

is a proud member of the

network

Masthead Ad Info & Rates Jobs at Portland Mercury Contact Privacy Policy Terms of Use Takedown Policy

Support Portland Mercury

All contents © Noisy Creek, Inc.
PO Box 86208, Portland, OR 97286