Extras May 1, 2013 at 4:00 am

My Heart's Dick


Also the only part of the show that's consistently entertaining.
Got the melatonin and MDMA bottles mixed up AGAIN, Ian?
i chuckled at the comments of Todd Mecklem and Rich Bachelor.
Ian i wish all those chicken wings and ice cream and weed resulted in a more humorous column. Alas i will now have to go troll for Mecklem's comments so i can laugh.
I'm pretty sure I'mrightyerwrong and Mecklem are the same person. I hope so. I think it would be really weird if there was some underground negative comment culture where people were actually fans of other people's negative comments.
Whoever edited this put the "/" in "soul's/heart's dick" - I wrote soul's heart's dick. As in the dick of the heart that belongs to your soul. That should put a silence to any more of this criticism.
Goddamned right. Great column. Portlandia blows though.
But all of those wonderful things are about to be wiped out in the fluoride apocalypse. Where is your god now, Ian?
No matter where I go in this big, old world, nothing beats that first breath of jet-fuel laced Portland air.
The main problem with those 'weird-ass flavored' ice cream joints, though? THE LINE AROUND THE FUCKING BLOCK! Seriously though. People in this city will wait half hour, or more, for some overpriced ice cream, some overpriced brunch, or some mediocre donuts. I don't give a damn if the ice cream has balsamic vinegar in it.... waiting in line THAT LONG is plain stupid.
But the awesome thing is you don't have to go to the place with the long line for the amazing ice cream (or iffy donuts). Go to Ruby Jewel downtown! Go to other places I'm too lazy to remember their names! Portland is pretty damn delicious right now, particularly because lazy folks like me can still eat awesome ice cream and we don't have to stand in line. Plus it's delightfully warm right now!
waiting in line is stupid, I agree. However, hanging out with friends outside and taking a step every minute or so while having a great conversation that culminates in some ice cream? that's pretty cool.
I like the cut of all of your jibbs. Lets get our jibbs cut together.
What is a "jibb"?
A jibb is your soul's heart's foreskin.
Todd ain't lie.
What if you are circumsized?
Ya nothing as wonderful as being knee deep in passive aggressive asshole in Portland. Here's a good blog post poking a hole in the Portland mystique. http://isaymissourah.wordpress.com/2013/05…
Maybe you just suck.
Was that too passive? You probably suck.
Portland: we all look the same, act the same, think the same. A white homogenous glob trying everyday to fool itself into thinking its something it's not. We're not weird, we are ultra conservative, fetishizing a past that never really existed, wearing hipster costumes because we are to lazy and dull to develope our own personalities, constantly vigilant for outside validation, because deep down we know the truth, being Portland as fuck sucks.
A girl in a Fleetwood Mac t-shirt wouldn't fuck CptToughguy and he's having trouble getting over it.
I think the mercury should hire Todd Mecklem as a sort of point/counterpoint (Todd being the counterpoint) to this column. It would save us all a lot of time. I would also like to add that Portland, OR will always be the best city in the states. But what do I know? Never lived anywhere else. Never felt the need to. Let's keep it that way, shall we?
Why don't you move then? Heh? Tough guy?
Already did. Sold my cracker box in Arbor Lodge to some moron for 285K and moved to KC which is way cheaper and has a lot more going on, and no breeders with anger problems trying to ram me with their carts at Whole Foods because they can't deal with their entitlement issues. "but what do I know?" Nothing. You know nothing because your to lazy and to investigate anything outside of your monoculture.
You guys might want to lighten up about "Portlandia" and how it affects the image of Portland. As far as I know, nobody takes the show seriously or thinks it has anything to do with the real city of Portland. It's just a silly sketch comedy. Now if you want to see someone take a television show way too seriously, come out here to Minneapolis where comedy "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" was set back in the 1970's. For her part, Mary Tyler Moore was in Minneapolis for one day to film the opening sequence and then got on an airplane back to California to film the show. If you remember the show, it was well written, quite harmless, and almost a little too sugar-sweet. Well, a lot of people in Minneapolis took the show a little too seriously. They believed it honestly reflected Minneapolis. Indeed, they even put a life-size statue of "Mary Richards" tossing her hat into the air as seen in the opening credits.The statue is still there. People drive past the "Mary" house. Of course, when the movie "Fargo" came out there was outrage that the people of Minneapolis seemed to come across as dumb hicks. "We don't talk like that! You betcha!" It all seems to come down to this - believe your own image of who you are and where you live. Don't let outside points of view - especially fictional ones - throw you off center. You'll just come across as provincial and small minded. Lighten up. It's just a goofy television show.
Yeah! Right on!! KC is WAY better than Portland! (giggle-snorts weed-flavored ice cream through nose)
It actually is. Cause everybody doesn't cobble together a weak set of mimicked affectations and call it a personality. And they do real drugs here creampuff

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