Portland as Fuck



SHUT UP STOOPID INTERNET TROLLS! oh wait, they haven't attacked yet. It's coming though. Either way, this line is perfection: "Chiropractors. The Orlando of medical professionals."
Let's add hummus to the water too, because it's delicious and it's easier to spell than fluoride.
Where's the outrage over iodine being added to salt? They're POISONING US!!!!!!!!
Big Iodine, wrecking shit all over the place.
Glad you could play an Internet Troll to cover such a serious topic. How original. It's not as if such a serious topic deserves a serious discussion. Just have the headline with the body of the article filled with a bunch of inane rambling and jibberish between logical fallacies. Apparently The Oregonian, that arch-rag of a newspaper, has set the bar for yellow journalism that The Mercury is seeking to outdo.

Well when The Oregonian runs out of wealthy donors to keep their carcass afloat, the that crown of $&@! will be all yours Portland Mercury. And don't worry, you've deserved it.
I keep accidentally disliking comments
Glad you could play an Internet comment troll to crap all over a well written column. How original. Maybe you could get a gig as a YouTube commenter? Except you'd then have to come out and say which side of the issue you actually support, and you seem incapable of doing that for all your snotty, superior cavilling.
I don't know if I'm more outraged that he accused me of yellow journalism or that he accused me of journalism...
Actually many Americans have very low Iodine levels. Not good in terms of your HPTA. Floride? IDK. Goofy argument
I wonder if some people understand the concept behind this column?

@Stephainie It happens... the red hand is very shiny :P
Just to confuse matters further, the reason much of Europe has stopped flouridating water is that they add flouride to their salt (France, Germany, Switzerland) or milk (UK, Russia, Macedonia).
I want to be strong, attractive, rich, and popular also! Let's fluoridate this bitch already!
Yet another reason why I don't read the Merc, and haven't for about five years...the piece isn't funny, isn't clever, and certainly doesn't inform. Is it satire, comedic, editorial, rant?...Who knows. Could we get any more dumbed down? God, I fucking hope not...
So Gary, what brings you here if you don't read the Merc? Just reading a column... in the Merc?
Gotta disagree with you Gary, I think this might be Ian's finest work yet.
And to think, all of this hubbub results from the simple, shameful fact that a large number of parents out there are such sloppy bitches that they don't make sure their kids are brushing and flossing their teeth at least once every couple of blue moons.

We are hilarious. And so are our methods in combating this problem.

(And fuck you, Ian -- not for your views or lack of seriousness when addressing this issue, but for getting that god-awful song stuck in my head for what were the longest couple of minutes i've lived through in quite some time.)
Fuck fluoride. That's what I always say. Also, I love this column and I read the mercury all the time cuz I hate. Never had a cavity either.
Thank you both for being rad!
all good points....buuuut......fluoride is not good for the flowers I like to grow. Portland has beautiful water. Why ruin it?
Suck the new Pope's holy ass water......do we now have to endure Mr. "Fuck Kale" popping off with his sarcastic dismissal of this public health issue?

Something tells me Ian Karmel doesn't care much about what he ingests and/or snorts.

Speaking of genitals, Ian, when was the last time you didn't have to use a mirror to see yours?

Better yet, are you still planning on shaving your beard, slick'n your hair back, and dressing up as Governor Kris Krispy for Halloween this year?
The "can't see his own dick" joke, a treasured cultural legacy dating back to The Nutty Professor remake. Do you want to clap and yell Hercules, too, you unoriginal dumbfuck? Jesus, if you're going to troll can you fucking TRY. Just fucking TRY. Dropping the "edgy" pope joke, too, wasting everybody's god damn time. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Take it easy Ian...."Zipitup" is probably just a Chiropractor.
Ian- I have to disagree with you. My ex grew up on fluorinated water and became a chiropractor. You'd think you would have done your homework. This is my sad face, Ian.
Fluoride is effective for teeth when used TOPICALLY. When it's ingested, it's poison. There's a fucking warning on your toothpaste that says as much. Also, what they're proposing putting in the water is NOT naturally occurring fluoride. It's an industrial byproduct. There's no way to know or regulate how much you're ingesting, either. It will be in your food, your beer, your coffee--everything that uses water. Get it?!

This weekly has become such a disappointment. Don't be afraid to do just a LITTLE bit of research. (Or is it just not cool to know what you're talking about anymore?)
Gasp! You used the T-word, I'm utterly heartbroken. I'm sorry Ian, I didn't mean to detract from or derail your important public service announcement. Sometimes I forget that this weekly rag holds creative license over all shit-talk in this town.

Regarding my unoriginality, you have to admit that you couldn't have set yourself up any better for that one. Again, I'm sorry I touched you in your sensitive spot, I didn't mean to push your (belly) button so hard. I'll try harder next time to demonstrate your level of originality:


Seriously, is The Merc paying you in 8-balls for this dribble? A line for every ten lines or something along those lines. Please just do us all a favor, go check yourself into a motel room and pull a Farley already.
Russ Meyer: so your knowledge and research tells you that 90% of American doctors and dentists want to add industrial waste poison to the water that they themselves drink, because something something corporations. OK, that makes good sense.

But here's the thing. Portland's one of the few American cities that hasn't been flouridated for a long time. If hundreds of millions of people have been drinking poison for decades, where are they hiding all the bodies?

Thx in advance,
The argument of whether to fluoridate our water or not is something that makes me laugh on the inside. Here we are, a major city in the US that doesn't need to drink treated waste sewage, and we want to mass dump something into our water supply. I don't care to or assume to know much about what fluoride will do to people who ingest it, but I do know that dumping anything into water that isn't part of basic water treatment is a bad idea. If the folks who want fluoride in their water want it so bad, why don't they just invest in HOME fluoridation kits instead of forcing everyone else to yield to their will? Furthermore, this argument (both pro-fluoridation and anti-fluoridation) has yielded no new arguments or even relatively decent points since it began many years ago, you're all just a bunch of turdy people being turdy to each other and spouting the same valid or not so valid research over and over and over again. This article is funny and well written because it makes fun of both sides of this dumb argument.
Secret Spy: Don't take my word for it. Fact are facts. Just dig in. If you give a shit, you'll see it's harmful. Or just fall in rank and file. It's totally up to you.

What gets me, is how many people are seemingly behind the effort to fluoridate. Health effects aside, doesn't it piss you off that a tiny group of people want to decide what's best for you without your consent? If it weren't for the efforts of Clean Water Portland and others, you wouldn't even know enough about this to make fun of it.
Tell us more about "facts" you learned from infographics...
Ian Karmel, don't you ever leave us. I am sad because I know it's going to come soon. You'll go the way of the Funches. I'll be happy for you, but I will cry.
Russ Meyer - man, what you got against poor kids anyway?
I grew up in a town with a fluoridated water supply and I have to say - my lawn never had a single cavity, ever.
Gary is right - not funny, not clever, not informative. Back to music listings.
Obviously Ian has been paid off by the Corporato-Fascist Totalitarian Industrial Complex to write this. It's common knowledge that fluoridation has roots in the MK Ultra mind control project and like, Nazis or something. WAKE UP SHEEPLE
What kind of cheap ass drinks tap water anyway? Fiji for me, Cristal for the dog and piss for the lawn.
And Ian did then bestow unto us his Comedy, and some people were too busy pretending to be human beings to actually think for a second about The Comedy, and we lol'd heartily at them, and it was a good day, and a good week, and a good era for the Mercury readers with a functioning sense of humor.

TL;DR: harrumph. >:(
also fuck zipitup. he sucks balls.
Hmmm... TinFoil Hat Bukkake is underway.

Kinda seems like the scientific consensus is on the side of fluoridation -- which, as another commenter pointed out, has been prevalent in other cities for decades. You'd think there would be killing fields full of mangled, sparkly white-toothed corpses if this was such a threat.

Clearly this is a conspiracy on the part of Big Dental -- if they can make our teeth stronger, we won't have to visit the dentist as often and they won't make... as much... oh... Huh. That fell apart quickly.

"That's a strawman!"

Yes, it was. Good eye! You spotted the logical fallacy. It was funnier that way. Comedy is very useful as means of underscoring the already absurdity. See also: Dr Strangelove and our precious bodily fluids.

But you're right, dead horse floggers. We should all endeavor to treat this carnival with the sobriety our self-appointed guardians demand. Gimme another one.

"Fluoride is poison!"

EVERYTHING can be bad for you if taken in the wrong quantity... including water itself. I remind myself of this every time I drink from a fire hose.

The dosage makes the poison. I swim in chlorinated pool water. It doesn't bleach my skin. Why? Dosage. I've also been exposed to chlorine gas before and nearly choked. Why? Dosage. Hell, you can even overdose on vitamins. Believe it or not, we can quantify how much of something is dangerous.

"Everything natural is good and shouldn't be tampered with!"

I'll keep that in mind as type this with the help of my eyeglasses.

"A small group is deciding for the rest of us!"

Really? Because I'm pretty sure that's precisely what Clean Water Portland did.

This notion also underscores the importance of electing the representatives you want because we hired a small group to decide things for the rest of us. Much as I wish otherwise, I don't have time to sign off on new street lamps and zoning ordinances.

"I am butthurt because you're making fun of a serious topic!"

I'm sure Jay Leno gets the same Halmark cards after each dreadful topical monologue he delivers. Keep sending those tasteful missives!
Ian, you are a breath of fresh air! I grew up in the Midwest with fluoridated water, and had perfect teeth, until moving to Portland. I moved here at the age of 25 (nearly 20 years ago now) and am plagued with cavities,... despite my flossing daily and frequent brushing, despite my disdain for pop (or soda to some folks) and dislike of candy bars. I believe in fluoride! I miss my fluoride! --k.r.f.
p.s. And those who are against fluoride are privileged folks with dental insurance. Think of all the people who lack decent health care coverage! What about the children! C'mon. This is a no-brainer. --k.r.f.
groschopf like a boss. You spend way too much time on your lovingly crafted responses. And their creamy logical centers.

Clean Water Portland is straight up propaganda, privileged neo-hippies wedded more to the idea of a mythical mother earth that will heal us all if we can just stop the "Corporate Conspiracy" from science-ing up the place.
Except that they make those arguments on the internet. From their iPhones.....