General May 7, 2009 at 4:00 am

WHEN POLAR BEARS ATTACK... YOU!

Here's How You Can Try to Live Through the Polar Bear Invasion—Even Though, to Be Perfectly Honest, You Probably Won't Survive, So Nice Knowing You, I Guess

Erik Henriksen
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Comments

1
Slow news day?
BobTheJanitor on May 7, 2009 at 1:05 AM Report this
2
How could Sir Edmund Forsythe write about Alien 3 in 1984, when it didn't come out until 1992? What do they pay your fact checkers over there anyways?
Jake Weigler on May 7, 2009 at 8:53 AM Report this
3
For a second I thought this was a plight to get people off their asses about global warming, but then I quickly realized it was just to fill up space and see how much profanity could be used in the process; which was entertaining btw.
Parsnip on May 7, 2009 at 10:21 AM Report this
4
I got as far as "and before your atten"

Does anything else happen in the article?
on May 7, 2009 at 10:29 AM Report this
5
So funny I forgot to lol.
Waxy on May 7, 2009 at 1:32 PM Report this
6
Seriously? Someone was paid to write this?
AMM3472 on May 8, 2009 at 9:09 AM Report this
7
Check out HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! by Mykle Hansen. It has some survival tips, I think:

http://helpabeariseatingme.com/
DSB on May 8, 2009 at 12:57 PM Report this
8
Check out HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! by Mykle Hansen.

It has some survival tips, or something like that:

http://helpabeariseatingme.com/
DSB on May 8, 2009 at 12:59 PM Report this
9
This is the best goddamn article I've ever read.

Erik, have my babies.
Whore's Raddish on May 8, 2009 at 1:43 PM Report this
10
I've already made a deal with them; to make sure the drawbridges stay down, in exchange for 1/4 of the city's babies. They'll fetch a good price from barren, wealthy European couples.
Miranda Radik on May 8, 2009 at 2:11 PM Report this
11
fuck you
dane on May 9, 2009 at 12:51 AM Report this
12
You're actually really funny, I luuuuuuurved this article, serious! Especially when you started off with elves, that is a sure way to win me over, yes sir it is.
The Squirrel Kitty on May 9, 2009 at 4:51 AM Report this
13
This was by far the most entertaining, informative, and factual bit of literature We have ever read. Keep up the good reporting. (Gun in mail will arrive with-in 2-3 business days)
-Lauryn and Draeger
Draeger on May 9, 2009 at 1:17 PM Report this
14
honestly, what was this? are you just trying to get on colbert? are things that bad?
really on May 11, 2009 at 2:33 AM Report this
15
Pah - we have Polar Bears in Wigan (Lancashire, UK) and we never have any trouble with them.

I even saw a woman walking one on a lead in one of our local parks. They are cute and you should lay off them.

..no..wait.. not Polar Bears, Ferrets... sheesh, I am always making that mistake.
recipe collector on May 11, 2009 at 3:44 AM Report this
16
More anti-polar bear propaganda. Wake up, people! Polar bears just want to share their superior technology with us and usher humanity into a golden age of being polar bear food.
palinode on May 13, 2009 at 2:35 PM Report this
17
BORING dude. Like so much fucking fucked up shit man. Kinda fucking funny tho, but just attacking my fucking intellect is not e-fucking 'nuff to keep me fucking awake. My shit needs to be jostled more.
moonme on May 26, 2009 at 8:22 AM Report this
18
The South Pole is getting larger because more ice is forming - move the polar bears south! I guess global warming in the northern hemisphere and global cooling in the southern hemisphere. Or, hunt the polar bears down and be ride of the menace.
on September 17, 2009 at 6:56 AM Report this

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