WAR OF THE PLANET OF THE APES Hail Caesar! (Oh god oh god please don’t kill us Caesar)

2016 IS FINALLY OVER (or, you know, close enough), and with it goes a year of pretty great movies: Arrival, La La Land, Swiss Army Man, Hell or High Water, The Nice Guys, Hunt for the Wilderpeople, Moonlight, Hail, Caesar!, Into the Inferno, Everybody Wants Some!!, Suicide Squa—wait! What the fuck! Get the fuck out of here, Suicide Squad!

Did Suicide Squad leave? Is it gone?

Okay, cool. Sorry about that. Anyway: Thank god 2016 is over, and while—movie-wise, at least—it didn’t disappoint, we’re already looking forward to 2017.

20TH CENTURY WOMEN You too can use Instagram's new "arthouse" filter!

20th Century Women—The latest from Mike Mills (Beginners), starring Annette Bening, Greta Gerwig, and Elle Fanning.

Alien: Covenant—Is it the sequel to Prometheus? Is it an Alien sequel? Does it feature James Franco for some reason? Yes! And with Ridley Scott directing, it’ll likely be equal parts breathtaking and frustrating.

Baby Driver—Edgar Wright’s mysterious, action-filled latest will involve... cars. Somehow. And given Wright’s track record (Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, The World’s End, Scott Pilgrim) it’ll probably be fucking fantastic.

The Bad Batch—Ana Lily Amirpour’s follow-up to A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night. It has cannibals!

Baywatch—Oh Christ, another remake of a mediocre ’80s TV show?

The Beguiled—The new film from Sofia Coppola or Portland’s hottest new goth club? You decide.

BLADE RUNNER 2049 He's so perfect he might as well be a robot!

Blade Runner 2049—Great news: Arrival director Denis Villenueve! Great news: Ryan Gosling and Harrison Ford! Great news: Brilliant cinematographer Roger Deakins! Bad news: Jared Leto :(

CHiPs—Oh Christ, another remake of a mediocre ’80s TV show? At least this one’s written and directed by Dax Shepard, who made Hit and Run an unexpected treat. Throw in Michael Peña as Ponch and it could be hilarious.

The Circle—Maybe this adaptation of Dave Eggers’ novel will be better than its technophobic source material? Given the cast—John Boyega, Emma Watson, and Tom Hanks—it kind of has to.

Colossal—The latest from Nacho Vigalondo (Timecrimes) is a cross between a romcom and a kaiju movie. Sure!

The Dark Tower—Stephen King’s sprawling fantasy saga turns into a sprawling film and TV series, with Idris Elba and Matthew McConaughey.

Dunkirk—Christopher Nolan’s chilly-looking WWII drama boasts a prestigious cast—Tom Hardy, Mark Rylance, and... uh, Harry Styles?

Fate of the Furious—Can the family outrace its biggest challenge yet? We’ll see when beloved father figure Dom (Vin Diesel) gets turned EVIL by hacker terrorist Cypher (Charlize Theron). What!!

The Florida Project—The new film from Sean Baker, the writer/director of 2015’s remarkable Tangerine.

FREE FIRE Wow. ALL these people are dressed better than you.

Free Fire—English director Ben Wheatley (Kill List, Sightseers) hasn’t made an uninteresting film yet. This one, starring Brie Larson and Cillian Murphy, depicts an extended 90-minute shootout.

Ghost in the Shell—A gorgeous-looking adaptation of the gorgeous-looking (and super boring) anime.

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, Justice League, The Lego Batman Movie, Logan, Spider-Man: Homecoming, Star Wars: Episode VIII, Thor: Ragnarok, Wonder Woman—Colon-crazed franchises aren’t going away, but at least we’re getting a few promising entries: A Star Wars from Rian Johnson (Brick, Looper, and The Brothers Bloom) and a Thor from Taika Waititi (What We Do in the Shadows, Hunt for the Wilderpeople).

I Don’t Feel at Home in This World Anymore—The shot-in-Portland directorial debut from Blue Ruin and Green Room actor Macon Blair.

It—This again? Yes, because clowns are still scary.

John Wick 2—We’re not getting our hopes up for an impeachment, but we are suggesting that if there were to be an impeachment, only one man could step the fuck in and take care of shit. (That person is John Wick.)

Julieta—New Almodóvar!

The Killing of a Sacred Deer—Perhaps the new film from Yorgos Lanthimos (The Lobster) will help you get over the emotional trauma of the last film from Yorgos Lanthimos (The Lobster).

King Arthur: Legend of the Sword—Guy Ritchie reinvents the King Arthur myth as a loutish remake of Snatch. Just so we’re all clear, this is a horrible idea.

Kingsman: The Golden Circle—The first Kingsman was way more fun than a hyper-violent Bond pastiche had any right to be. Will the second—in which Eggsy and Merlin come to America—repeat the trick?

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Kong: Skull Island—This monkey is really big and smashing helicopters and MAD!

Lady Bird—Directed by Greta Gerwig! Starring Saoirse Ronan!

Landline—Gillian Robespierre and Jenny Slate’s follow-up to the 100 percent wonderful Obvious Child.

Last Flag Flying—Richard Linklater’s latest is reportedly a “spiritual successor” to Hal Ashby’s The Last Detail.

Lean on Pete—The Oregon-shot adaptation of Willy Vlautin’s novel, directed by Andrew Haigh (Weekend, Looking, and 45 Years).

Legacy of a Whitetail Deer Hunter—Perennially underrated director Jody Hill (Eastbound & Down, Vice Principals) reunites with his buddy Danny McBride. Hey, did you know Danny McBride is also in Alien: Covenant? Weird.

LIVE BY NIGHT "Now, f'real, everybody, don't tell nobody nothin' 'bout me bein' the Batman!"

Live by Night—A 1920s gangster epic from director Ben Affleck and writer Dennis Lehane, the duo behind Gone Baby Gone.

The Mummy—In which Universal attempts to turn its classic monster-movie properties into a Marvel-esque franchise. Tom Cruise kicks off the batshit-looking first installment.

Mute—Duncan Jones goes back to Moon-ish sci-fi after getting Warcraft out of his system.

The Meyerowitz Story—Noah Baumbach returns, with Dustin Hoffman, Ben Stiller, Emma Thompson, and (wait for it...) Adam Sandler.

Nobody Speak: Hulk Hogan, Gawker and Trials of a Free Press—In the future, they’ll probably show this in journalism schools to examine how America’s free press fell apart. JK! In the future there won’t be any journalism schools.

Okja—A monster movie from Snowpiercer visionary Bong Joon-Ho, starring Tilda Swinton, Jake Gyllenhaal, and a monster. Will the monster be an angry monkey? We can hope!

Paterson—Adam Driver stars in Jim Jarmusch’s first drama since Only Lovers Left Alive.

Shape of Water—Guillermo del Toro lines up a remarkable cast (Sally Hawkins, Michael Shannon, Michael Stuhlbarg, and Doug Jones) for his Cold War-set latest.

SILENCE "Shhhh. This movie's called Silence for a reason."

Silence—New Scorsese.

Suicide Squad—Unfairly maligned upon its release, future generations will look back on Suicide Squad as a groundbreaking class—HEY! SUICIDE SQUAD! WE TOLD YOU TO LEAVE! Go stand in the shame corner. Yes, next to Batman v. Superman. No, you can’t have a chair. Jesus.

Trainspotting 2—Are they still not out of heroin? How have they not run out of heroin? There is only so much heroin.

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets—Luc Besson revisits the candy-colored sci-fi style of The Fifth Element. Pro: This looks like 2017’s Jupiter Ascending! Con: This looks like 2017’s Jupiter Ascending!

War MachineThe Rover’s David Michôd brings a Brad Pitt movie to Netflix.

War of the Planet of the Apes—These monkeys are riding horses and carrying guns and MAD! If the previous (and great) Apeses are any indication, this’ll be the most nihilistic and misanthropic blockbuster of 2017. Hooray!

Wonderstruck—Julianne Moore and Michelle Williams star in Todd Haynes’ latest—half of which will reportedly screen as a silent film. There are no angry monkeys in this one. Or are there?

SLAY Film Fest
In person at the Clinton St. Theater 10/29 & 10/30