POWER RANGERS Behold the subtle art of fine cinema.

Power Rangers these days, amirite? 

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They're all shiny and sleek! Their mouths move when they speak! They've got Bryan Cranston as their disembodied-head mentor! Ugh. They're like, totally AWESOME.

MY Power Rangers had to walk uphill both ways in nothing but tank tops to get to their juice bar! Now Power Rangers have iPhones. You think Zord battles in the '90s had $100 million budgets? This generation is spoiled with good Power Rangers and they don't even know it!

As much as Power Rangers is peppered with nuggets for fans who grew up yelling, "IT'S MORPHIN' TIME" in public parks, this is the Snapchat version of our beloved Rangers, and because I'm old, I'm confused by it.

The film still hits all the classic marks—teen angst, lessons about uniting to overcome evil, swooshing noises whenever punches are thrown, MORPHING, and giant robot battles. But now the graphics are clean and luxurious, there are a lot more car accidents than I remember (is that what today's teens are into?), and way fewer guitar solos. The lessons are more inclusive, and, other than the distractingly large breast plates on the women's morphed costumes, it's more feminist. The black ranger isn't Black. And best of all, the fight scenes are brain-meltingly impressive. YOU DAMN KIDS DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT WE HAD TO PUT UP WITH IN THE POWER RANGERS OF YORE!

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Regardless, my fellow '90s kids should see this movie. Elizabeth Banks' portrayal of Rita Repulsa as an intergalactic zealot is fire (did I use that right?), and there's an abbreviated montage featuring the original theme song that made me audibly shout, "YEAH!" in the theater. But something has changed about these Power Rangers... they're... they're not made for me anymore.

Sure, this Power Rangers moves briskly, and, just like with Marvel movies, I almost cried at the three-quarter mark. But TBH (what does that even mean?), I left the theater and immediately went home and watched 1995's Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie movie to cleanse my palate. Then I drank a Crystal Pepsi. If you need me, I'll be over here shaking my fist at the sky until I'm dead.

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