“I choose to make my own fate,” Vin Diesel growls at the start of The Fate of the Furious, the eighth chapter in the greatest family saga since William Faulkner’s The Sound and the Fury. This is after Vin—once again playing the lumpily majestic Dominic Toretto, criminal street racer turned special-forces operative—has raced through the streets of Havana, in reverse, in a car that is on fire. This is after that car has been launched into the mighty sea, and after Dom, having leapt from it, has been surrounded by cheering children. There is no fate but what Dom makes.
In these dark days, I would like nothing more than to bring light to your life by telling you all the amazing things in this movie, but I don’t want to spoil it, so I will only tell you a few more things. There are prison guards who make the mistake of shooting the Rock with rubber bullets—rubber bullets that the Rock returns. Robot cars take over Manhattan! Submarine?? Car racing! Computer hacking, which is like car racing for fingers! Charlize Theron as a James Bond villain! Kurt Russell crackin’ jokes! Ludacris and Tyrese, also crackin’ jokes! The deadly glare of Dame Helen Mirren. Russia (timely). Michelle Rodriguez Michelle Rodriguezing it up! The spine-chilling phrase “Dominic Toretto has just gone rogue.” (I know.) A single glittering tear that trembles down Vin’s cheek and grants immortality. A shocking secret involving a BABY?
If you’re one of those joyless fucks who still thinks they’re too good for the Fast & Furious movies, you are only hurting yourself. Walk away and live your shitty husk of a life. For the rest of us: The Fate of the Furious is here. Our family has returned. Their saga continues.