Uh, can we just have Wonder Woman 2 instead? JUSTICE LEAGUE

Before I can give Justice League a fair critical assessment, one thing must be said: For the first third of the movie, Aquaman swims in JEANS. That alone is an abomination that can never be forgiven—because I can accept an Aquaman that doesn’t have gills, or even fins... but if you expect me to accept an Aquaman that swims in jeans, you are eternally fucked in the head.

Thanks for that aside. Now, despite the previously mentioned abomination, Justice League is not all bad. However, it is mostly not good. The plot starts off shaky enough, by depicting the denizens of Earth as extremely bummed out. As we remember from Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, the Man of Steel is dead—and Earth is now open to all sorts of alien shenanigans, because c’mon! There’s no longer a super strong white man around to protect it! Enter Steppenwolf (the mean alien, not the ’70s rock band), who must gather three magic boxes which will reduce the world to chaos, thereby freeing him up to take the rightful throne as RULER OF THE EARTH, blah, blah, blah, oh my god, how many times am I going to hear this story?

Anyway. Batman (a very bored Ben Affleck) enlists Wonder Woman (a still game and welcome Gal Godot), the Flash (a mostly funny Ezra Miller—though not as funny as Tom Holland’s Spider-Man), Cyborg (Ray Fisher... he’s okay), and Aquabro (a jeans-wearing Jason Momoa) for the fight, but they quickly realize they’re not up for this daunting task. If only a certain superhero could come back from the dead and help them out! (Trust me when I say the inevitable resurrection isn’t as macabre, interesting, or funny as it could’ve been.)

Justice League is not without its charms—which mostly involve nerdy quips from the Flash, and Wonder Woman doing anything—but the script is clunky, leaden, and straining for the wit of any Avengers flick. And they put Aquaman in jeans.

Guys. THEY PUT AQUAMAN IN JEANS.