choose your own adventure

You set the heart down and make a grab for the gun—but the slick blood and slimy viscera that covers your hands has made your fingers slippery! The gun slips out of your hands—just as the tyrannosaur turns his massive head toward you!

Quickly, click here!

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So I know everybody's talking about this year's Oscars—but 2005's films all suck compared to the best film of 2006: Running Scared.

What? We're not even two months in, and I'm declaring Running Scared 2006's best? Damn straight! And 2006's Oscars will prove me right! Here's how they'll go:

Best Director: Wayne Kramer! No other auteur would even dare to cram in so many shameless ethnic stereotypes—or so much insipid dialogue, bewildering plot developments, or random, empty brutality—into one film! Kudos, Mr. Kramer! Kudos!

Best Actor: Paul Walker! In an inspired turn, The Fast and the Furious thespian manages to create a character who's so inscrutably stupid that Walker must be acting—no one could be that dumb! Right? Right?

Best Actress: Vera Farmiga! As Walker's wife, Farmiga's most memorable scene consists of her getting eaten out—on top of a washing machine! BRILLIANT!

Best Cinematography: Jim Whitaker! Inexplicably filming an extended sequence under black light—for no reason whatsoever!? That's creativity!

Best Original Screenplay: Name one other film that has Paul Walker—as a dirty crook going up against even dirtier crooks and cops—getting nailed in the face with hockey pucks! Plus! Pimps grinding hookers' faces into busted glass! People being lit on fire! Old men biting each others' ears off! An extended Hansel & Gretel subplot (with pedophiles who kidnap, abuse, torture, and kill kids standing in for the witch)! Spousal abuse! Child abuse! Broken fingers! Blown-out brains! Blown-off testes! Now that's filmmaking! Bravo, Running Scared! Bravo!